JHKT

Are you ready for an update?

2011-11-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think I'm ready to give one.... tomorrow :)

Taylie's LifeFlight ICU story

2011-05-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

Taylie's LifeFlight ICU Story

It has taken me a while to sit down and do this Blog entry.

.
Mostly because I haven’t really wanted to re-live our experience. But driving home from work last week I saw LifeFight land in West Bountiful and I decided that I need to write down my story before I forget the details.

...
Warning to all, I can already tell this will be a very long post. There are many details that seem totally random, but really you need to know them in order to understand how everything fits together. I think that sometimes writing things down can be therapeutic, and I’m hoping that after this I can continue trying to go back to normal life.

...
It was a Friday night just like our usual Friday nights. I have loved to watch the Dateline Murder Mysteries for many months now, and Judd has come to accept this is our Friday night TV show. We fixed dinner for the kids, brought Taylie and her highchair into our room so she could be with us. She had hotdogs, cheese, milk, and crackers.

..
We usually put the kids to bed around 7:30, but on the weekend we let them stay up and watch a movie in Kaden’s room until about 8:30. Taylie had thrown up a very small amount of her bedtime milk in her bed the previous night so I put a clean sheet on her bed and tucked kids in.
...
For about 2 weeks I had been taking Tylenol PM every night to sleep. This pregnancy has brought on insomnia in the middle of the night that I don’t remember having with the other pregnancies. I had a Huge project that I was Project Manager of in the morning for work, I needed to have sleep. The Tylenol PM totally knocks me out. I don’t wake up for anything until morning. I remember going out to the kitchen to take the Tylenol and then I remember being back in bed again, having forgotten to take it.

...
Judd and I fell asleep between 10 and 10:30.
...
At about 11:15 I woke up. I didn’t know why, until I heard one of the kids making noise. Usually my kids do not wake up in the middle of the night. They are great sleepers. I waited for a minute and heard it again. It sounded like Taylie babbling in her bed. I figured she would fall asleep soon and closed my eyes again. Right before I fell asleep I had a thought come to me about the previous night. I remembered that she had thrown up that milk, and by morning the rotten coagulated milk smell is terrible. I got up to go check on her. When I reached the hallway it then sounded like the noise came from Kaden’s room. I waited there for a minute to make sure that I woke up the right kid. I heard it again.
..

Definitely Taylie.
......
I opened the door but didn’t turn on the light. I walked half-way to her crib and I could smell that she had thrown up. And then I heard the weird noises. It wasn’t babbling. It wasn’t anything that I had heard before. I turned on the light and when I went to her crib, she was awake, and she was lying there, but she wasn’t moving. She just stared up at me making those weird noises and I could see through her pajamas her chest sinking in each time she took a breath.
...

She was struggling to breathe.

.....
I picked her up and called for Judd. I sat in her rocking chair to try and figure out what was going on.
...
Side note: You need to know that my kids have been diagnosed with Asthma. Sometimes it can get pretty bad. There are many times when they make weird sounds that we have to determine what is causing it. Sometimes they get Croup and in a matter of 30 minutes it has triggered their Asthma and they have terrible issues breathing. In Feb we had to take Kaden to the ER to get a Epinephrine shot to make it so he could breathe.

...
So while I sat there with Taylie, the whole checklist of things was running through my head. I was trying to note everything because I already knew all the questions the doctors would ask me. The only thing was, this wasn’t anything like what we normally hear with any of their breathing problems.

...
I couldn’t figure it out. I have started to video the kids during any of their episodes with my phone so that the doctor can hear what they sound like (much better than me trying to make the same sounds for the doctor). I told Judd to grab my phone. I recorded her for about 20-30 seconds.

Right after that she got worse.

....
I am not the type of person that wants to rush to the doctor for anything that I don’t have to. Growing up we rarely went to the doctor for anything. Most times when our kids have had their breathing troubles (including the time we rushed Kaden to the ER), I was more calm than Judd. In semi-emergency situations I am usually able to think clearly and logically while he tends to get more frantic. I was trying to rule out everything I could think of.
..

..Then I remembered when I was little I got a piece of bologna stuck up my nose. I thought maybe one of her hotdog pieces got stuck in her throat when she threw up making it hard for her to breathe.

...
And then I prayed. “Is this an emergency?”

...
Right then I had an overwhelming feeling to get her to the ER NOW. At that moment my calm/logical self turned into a not so calm and logical person. I told Judd we’re going to the ER, ran her out to the kitchen and put her in her carseat. Judd followed right behind and was with her while I threw on some clothes, grabbed our insurance card and credit cards, and by the time I got back out to the kitchen Judd was holding her while she sat on the counter and threw up.

...
The noise she was making was getting worse.

...
I called my mom, and told her to come stay with Kaden. We think Taylie is choking on something and we are on our way to the ER. I don’t remember what else I said. It takes my mom about 15 minutes to reach our house, but I knew we had to leave immediately.

...
Judd and I were running frantically through the house grabbing what we needed. I took her carseat and sat in the back of my car between the two carseats so I could be by her. Each time she threw up it made it worse so I wanted to be there if I needed to pull her out. She was just barely getting enough oxygen each time she took a breath.

..
By now it was about 11:30pm, so not many cars around. Good thing because Judd was speeding to Davis Hospital faster than I’d ever driven.

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As we got out of our neighborhood my dad called. He said my mom was on her way. I said I left the garage open but we had to leave. He said my mom would be there soon.

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As we got on the overpass towards the onramp of the freeway I had a thought come to me. “Call911”

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I of course thought to myself “that is the dumbest thing ever, what are they going to do, have the ambulance chase us to the ER?”

...
And then another thought came to me “Call 911 so the doctors are ready when you get there.”

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And so I did.

...
Up until this point I don’t think I had cried yet. I’m not really that type of person. But as the 911 operator answered the phone I lost it. I realized that there is something wrong with my baby, and there was nothing I could do. This was an emergency, and I didn’t know if we would make it to the hospital in time. I had to repeat to the operator a couple times because I was sobbing and she couldn’t understand.

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Me: “I have a 1 year old baby that is choking. She is still breathing, but just barely. We are driving to Davis hospital, can you call them so that they are ready when we get there?”

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Her: “can you pull over so we can have someone help you?”

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Me: “No, we are on the freeway 2 exits away”

...
So she said to make sure and not to hit her on the back, that it would make things worse and she would call the ER. She came back on the line as we reached the freeway exit for the hospital. She said they were ready and that two nurses were standing outside the ER ambulance entrance to take our baby when we pull up.

...
As we were reaching the road of the Hospital Taylie’s lips were turning blue..
..

She is the most calm baby ever and had been somewhat calm and not crying (only making the gasping noises) up until now. Then she started scratching her throat because she couldn’t breathe, and she started to try to cry. Each time she would take a breath in, the sounds would stop and it would be a while before she could get enough oxygen in to take another breath.

...
I told Judd to hurry. I think we drove through the ER parking lot at 40 MPH. When we parked in the Ambulance entrance the two nurses ran to Taylie’s door as I unbuckled her and handed her to them. They ran with her into the ER while I tried to get out of the car. I told the 911 operator that we were there and hung up.

...
I went to open my side door but forgot that it is child-proofed. I told Judd that I was locked in, so he kept pushing his unlock button because he couldn’t understand me when I said it was the safety lock. Finally I was able to tell him to come around and open my door. I ran into the ER while Judd parked the car...
...

A nurse ran up to me to show me where they took Taylie. She was in the big main trauma room with about 8 people already there.
..

She was still making a little noise, laying on the bed with her knees bent. They already had her pajamas off and hooked up to machines.

...
I sat in the chair on the far side of the wall and answered all the questions as the Doctors/nurses shouted them out.

...
Even though she was being hooked up to everything my anxiety started to reduce because we were here.

We were in an ER.

There are doctors everywhere.
They will fix her.

She will be fine.

..
As I was explaining the events that led up to this moment, Judd ran in.
...

Soon after he sat down the alarms went off. ...

...At once everyone stopped asking me questions.

The doctors shouted orders to the nurses,

...
we watched as her oxygen levels on the monitor dropped from 60

to 50,
to 45,

40…30…..

...
In my head I had been thinking the whole car ride “Just get her to the ER, they’ll pull something out that she was choking on, we’ll go home, she’ll be ok”.

Everything was happening so fast, but seemed like slow motion at the same time.

..
Her knees fell
Her body went limp
They put on those things on their chest for when they have to use the defibrillator
25…. 20…

...
I started to panic.

Everything started to become more real. .....

It hadn’t even crossed my mind that once we reached the ER that she wouldn’t be ok. Then I remembered how I had videoed her breathing before we left our house. For a moment I thought to myself “What if that video was of her dying, and what if it was the last video that I had of her?” I started shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.

Judd put his arm around my shoulder..
A nurse pushed the code button on the wall ..
They pulled out the crash cart

...
More doctors ran in

...
I walked out

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I remember my prayer because it was simple. I didn’t know what else to say.

..“Heavenly Father… I love her very much. Please don’t let me watch my baby die.”

..
I paced the hall for a couple minutes a nurse came out to see if I was ok. She gave me a hug, said they are doing everything they can, and that the doctors are working on her. I thought about how weird this all was.

We were just at home.

Everyone was ok.

We were all sleeping.

Now we are here, and I don't know if everything will be ok.

...
I got a couple stares from the other people in the different ER rooms.
Another nurse came by and gave me a hug.

...
Then someone came out and told me that they were able to intubate her and someone was now pumping a bag so she can receive oxygen. They are trying to get her stable, but she will need to be LifeFlighted to Primary Childrens.

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I walked back in to be with Judd. They pulled the Xray machine in and I had to walk out again since I’m pregnant.

...
I text my mom “I think they are going to take her to Primary’s”

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I went back in. They said that one of her lungs was almost completely white on the xray (meaning almost collapsed.)

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As her oxygen levels rose, they started to ask me questions again.

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A kind nurse found this to be the best time to lecture me “maybe you shouldn’t give your baby hotdogs, grapes, or peanuts anymore”. Which of course made me feel great, even though they hadn’t determined that she even choked on a piece of hotdog.

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The doctor said that he didn’t see anything in her throat when he did the intubation, and that they didn’t see anything big on the xray indicating that she had choked on a piece of hotdog.

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Judd and I called our parents. I told them LifeFight would be here, and they’ll let them take her as soon as she is stable. Then they’ll head to Primary Children’s.

...
I don’t know all of the communication that happened with everyone else in between the doctors talking to us, giving us driving directions, signing more forms to allow them to do whatever they needed on the helicopter if she crashed again.

...
I must have looked pathetic because I kept getting hugs from random nurses, male and female. I hate hugs.

...
There were two nurses that were very kind that we had seen before. One of them gave Kaden the Epi shot when we were there just a couple weeks ago. She said “weren’t you guys here recently with your son?”.
We tried to make small talk.
....
They said we could stand by Taylie, and touch her feet.

...
They had given her a sedative to knock her out so she wouldn’t pull out the tube in her throat. She now had tubes, and wires all over. She had an IV, and about 5 red marks on her arm where they had either drawn blood, or injected something. She looked very pale. She didn’t look like herself. Her skin was almost plastic looking. You could see all of the veins through her skin.

...
I watched as the nurse would squeeze the bag to pump air into her. There was one time that she had to reach down and untangle a cord that she didn’t pump in rhythm and the buzzer went off again. I started to get anxious because hello, please pay attention as you are breathing for my daughter.
...
More Xrays, back out in the hall

...
Lung was still almost completely white. This means that it wasn’t just a piece of something that got stuck, there was actually a lot of stuff in her lung.

...
Lifeflight came

...
I know that most people would find it weird that at a moment like this, I would take a picture. But at that time I honestly just needed to convince myself that she would be ok. That this would be a memory soon. To convince myself more of this, I took pictures. It gave me something to focus on for a few minutes, rather than worrying about everything that was going on.

They had to hook her up to a new machine that breathed for her (instead of the girl pumping the bag by hand), and see if she would handle it for 10 minutes before they would take her on the Helicopter.
...
They had to decide if she would go to the ER at Primary Children’s, or to the NICU.
This all depended on how critical she was.

..
They did more evaluations with the Lifeflight team. They talked to the ER doctors at Primary, and determined she would be going to the ER.

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I called my mom. She said my dad was already on his way there, that Katie my cousin was going to pick my sister Madison up from my parents, then drive to my house and get Kaden so that my mom could go to the hospital.

...
More things happened that are now a blur.
..

Technical things. More signing of papers.

.A nurse handed me a bag for the things I brought with me. I forgot I even had anything in my hand when I came in the ER. I had her pink blanket and a clean pair of PJ’s because I thought we would be going home.

...
They said that we could walk out with them as they put her on the helicopter, but that there wasn’t any room for us to ride. They had 3 paramedics and the pilot. I started to cry again because that meant she had to ride to the hospital by herself. And then I started thinking stupid things like the chances of a helicopter crashing, and then the NieNie plane crash story popped in my head.We walked her out. They loaded her up and said it would take about 26 minutes for them to get to the Hospital and they would call me when they arrived.

As Judd and I walked back to the Hospital the nice nurse said it was a good thing we called 911. That usually it takes time for doctors to get ready, and determine if it is a true emergency.

...
As we walked down the halls and out the ER I felt empty.

It was a strange feeling.

Anxiety and relief at the same time.

We ran to our car.
..

They had given us a map to Primary Childrens with driving directions.

We stopped at the stop sign at the Hospital to say a prayer.

As we did this we could hear the helicopter taking off and flying above us.

Judd and I didn't say much on that drive.

I was watching the helicopter light as it flew into Salt Lake.

Both our parents called, they were already at Primary Childrens so Taylie wouldn't be there by herself when they land..

As we got close the map directions from the hospital were wrong.

The street it said to turn at wasn't there.

We had to back-track a few times and we were both frusterated.

The LifeFlight crew called to say that they landed safely and that there were two grandma's with her.

We finally made it to the hospital with directions from our parents. When we walked in the ER room my grandparents and mine and Judd's mom's were waiting there.
..

They took us back to where she was.

They did more evaluations of her

Taylie was given a blessing.

We were waiting to see if they wanted to do the Broncoscopy tonight or in the morning.

They decided to wait and see if any of the fluid in her lung reduced by itself and do the Broncoscopy in the morning. .

Arrangements for Kaden were made. My cousins would watch him and take them to the family Baby Shower that was happening the next morning.

Everyone left so we could get her transported to the ICU.

When we got to the ICU they reported our arrival over the intercom. In 5 minutes there were 7 doctors/nurses in her room. Just like in Grey's Anatomy one of the lead doctors announced her condition, the events that brought her here, and the course of treatment until the morning.

We were introduced to our full time doctor that would be in her room at all times. The ER doctor stopped by to go over things, and tell us what to expect for the next 12 hours.

They kept Taylie sedated

That night was long.

It was a blur.

I don't think we even finished the move to the ICU until about 3:00am?

There was a rocking chair and a chair that pulled out to lay on.
..

The ICU was setup so that there were only a few rooms like ours.

It was comletely private with glass doors. The other parts of ICU where all the other babies/toddlers were, wasn't private. When I went to go get some blankets I walked past other babies that were crying. One had a parent that was there sleeping upright in the chair next to him. I asked the nurse the next morning why we were the ones with the private room. She said that the more critical patients that are going to undergo surgery have the private rooms. .

They would watch Taylie's heart rate and oxygen levels to determine if she was comfortable and getting enough oxygen. Throughout the night the alarms would go off. It was a very sleepless night.

The next morning a few doctors came by.

Most of that morning was a blur.

At 7:00 am and 7:00 pm you are kicked out of the ICU during shift change.

This is probably a good thing because otherwise we probably wouldn't have left for breakfast.

Around 10:00 my mom came with toothbrushes.

About 11:00 Ina (Judd's mom) came and we all wheeled Taylie to the OR.

We waited in the waiting room for them to finish.

My dad arrived.

Soon after the doctor came out and said that they were able to get most of the gunk out of her lung. He said it looked like a bunch of Cream of Mushroom soup, but no piece of hotdog.

Later the doctors said she must have just asperated on her throwup. That she most likely did not choke on a piece of hotdog. ..

They wanted us to give them 45 minutes to get her settled back in ICU.

We all wend down to eat lunch at the cafeteria.

When we got back she was not sedated. And after about 30 minutes she wasn't doing very well.

The surgery allowed the doctor to go through and spray out the stuff in her lung, but doing that gave her asperation phnemonia. She now had a fever of 104, and was shaking pretty bad. There were 3 nurses taking care of her now.

After the surgery they removed the intubation tube to see if she would be ok breathing on her own. She didn't sound good.

...

The doctor there was trying to determine how long they would let her be that uncomfortable before they put the intubation tube in again....
If a baby her age is resting and comfortable then their heartrate is around 125 or lower. There were many times that her heartrate would go to 207-215.

I asked if they could sedate her again, because she was so miserable and in pain. They said they wanted her to be awake to see how well she tolerated breathing without the intubation tube. It was hard to see her so miserable. ...

Later that night I was able to hold her for the first time since this whole thing started.

Don't mind my zombie look. Lack of sleep isn't fun.

The rest of the day was basically monitoring her.

...

Then another sleepless night. ...

She cried a lot, and they were able to help her pain more with medication.

She would try to pull out her IV's and take off her nasial canula.

Finally in the middle of the night they said she could have a binky.

She was much happier.

After that it was very easy to tell when she needed more pain medication.

If she started crying to the point that her binky would fall out of her mouth, and she wouldn't keep it in, that was the indication that she needed another round of morphine.

About 15 seconds after the binky would fall the alarms would sound and a second nurse would run in

All this time they wouldn't let her eat. Finally at 6:00am Sunday morning she got to have a bottle. She was too exhausted to open her eyes, but she was so happy for food.

The rest is still a blur.

At some point we were able to move from the ICU to the main floor.

This was actually more exhausting than the ICU.

In the ICU she had her own nurse there all the time. Here I felt like I had to watch her 24/7.

My mom came two nights and let me go home to sleep.

...

It was also good to go home and see Kaden. He kept asking where sister was.
I broke down crying every time driving to and from the hospital. How sad it would have been if Kaden didn't have a sister anymore.

These next pictures are from a couple days later. She slowly became herself again.

She developed a huge fear of nurses. In the ICU they would poke her fingers or toes for blood gases every 2 hours. She had many poke marks from the blood they had to get. Every time someone in a yellow coat would walk in she would start to cry.

I'm thankful to the many people that visited/texted during those days.

It really was nice to hear from people when we were sleep deprived and it felt like we would never get to go home.

We had many specialists come in.

They all were trying to figure out what happened to cause this.

They are still trying to determine if she has a narrow airway.

Or if she has bad reflux (gerd), that caused her to spit up.

Or if Gerd is causing her Asthma.

She also had to see a specialist and do a Barium study to see if she asperates normally when she swallows

We spent many hours rocking her because that was the only thing that made her comfortable. It was nice to see her get her personality back.

The day before we left she was feeling good enough to play with some toys.

She wouldn't touch real food, but she was sure happy to get her bottles.

We were finally able to go home.

The next day we had a doctor appointment, and then the barium study where they watched her swallowing with an Xray.

We have another Broncoscopy on June 6th to determine if her airway is too narrow or if there is errosion from reflux.

The following days after bringing her home was almost more scary than having her in the hospital. At the hospital at least there were nurses there in case something went wrong. Her first few nights of sleep were very restless for me.

Fear is a crazy thing. It can take over your life. I spent many days being so scared of her sleeping that it was making me crazy.
..
The weekend after it happened was hard.
...

I couldn't help thinking that we were so close to having a funeral

The ER doctor said that 5 minutes longer and we could be looking at a totally different outcome.

5 minutes. 5 short minutes and it could have changed everything.
..
I couldn't deal with feeling crazy anymore. I didn't want to be scared of her sleeping every night. I just wanted things to go back to normal.

Judd and I had long talks about how blessed we are. There is a reason why she is still here.

There is a reason I forgot to take that Tylenol PM that night, that I had the feeling to check on her when I heard that noise, that I had the feeling to call 911 on the way to the hospital.

We were blessed.

There are so many things that happened that made this story end well.

Realizing how blessed we were has helped us all to leave the fear behind.

..
This experience helped me to be reminded again of what is important.

Family is everything.

I am so happy and thankful that we are all here together.

I'm thankful for the friends/family that helped us

..Taylie is slowly becoming herself again.

..I think she'll recover faster than her parents :)

The longest Update in history

2011-03-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

Starting where I left off...

October

We had our annual Halloween Dinner at my parents

Halloween Night

We did the "trunk-or-treat" with our ward, then went to visit all the Grandparents

In the middle of

NOVEMBER

We took a "Girls Trip" to St. George with my mom, Taylie, and the cousins. Three nights, many movies, and lots of food, shopping, and relaxing was just what we all needed.

Thanksgiving

DECEMBER

On December 18th we had our family Santa party. Taylie is probably the most serious baby ever. She wasn't even scared of Santa.

On December 24th we had our annual Christmas Eve Family party. This was the first year we had it at a church. At first everyone grumbled about it, but it turned out to be fun. We were able to play basketball and have a pinata for the kids.

Christmas Day!

This was the first year we had Christmas at our house. We think it's a new tradition. All other years since I was born have been spent at my parents house. This year we thought it would be fun for the kids to have Santa come to their house.

Oh, and I must add... the tradition of matching pajamas! Judd was sure a fan the year he spent christmas with us when we were dating :)

January 1st we had to get a picture before Jenny went back to New Jersey.

January 8th Judd wanted to take Kaden sledding. He loved it. It scared him but he sure is a fan.

My kids are getting so big.

I really really wanted to have my kids close in age because I thought they would be good friends. There have been times that I think this decision was a crazy one... but when they start to play with each other I know I did something right :)

Kaden has been a good big brother. When Taylie was first born, and for many months he didn't even give her a second glance... but now if she is playing in another room he'll say "where's sister?" and then he'll say " Sister play trains?" He likes to play trains with her.

Taylie is the most relaxed chill baby ever. So relaxed that she hasn't even shown interest in walking until recently. She was always pretty happy just sitting in one spot.

We called her "scooter" for a while because she took a long time to learn the real way to crawl. Instead she looked like a paralyzed baby that would drag her legs, and let her arms do all the work. She became a pro at the army crawl.

I'm ok if she takes a while longer to walk.

She's getting too grown up as it is :)

More updates later.

Life isn't Perfect :)

2011-03-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

I have started this post many times over the last few months. As a few may have noticed I took a good 5 month break from blogging. There is one main reason that I really wasn’t going to share but I now feel that I should.
..
I think that sometimes in the blogging world it is easy to post what is good in life. I think focusing on the bright daily events helps everyone to be a bit thankful, and I like it. But sometimes blogging about only what is good may lead others to have a false belief that things are perfect. And since life isn’t always perfect I decided to write about why I stayed away for so long.
...
While Judd and I are THRILLED to be pregnant again, the process to get to this point has been a bit painful and frustrating in many ways.
If you want the LONG story, here it goes. (grab a diet coke and a snack, you’re gonna be reading for a while!)
...
When Taylie was born last March, Judd and I knew we wanted to keep our kids close together. Adding #2 for us was a piece of cake we might as well start trying for #3. This was our plan from the start. We talked about it all through my second pregnancy. Mostly just a “we’ll wait and see if 2 kills us and decide from there.” Three months post partum with my sweet little Taylie being the angel that she is, we decided the end of May to go for it.

...

I had talked to my doctor about our decision during my pregnancy because there were some interventions needed as I am not one that can get pregnant while nursing.

...
First intervention was medication to start getting my body back into normal mode. Though I was hoping for the perfect May due date (as this would make it so that I would have all summer maternity leave), we decided to start two months early just in case. I wouldn’t have minded a March birth again anyway.

...
Month one passed, with no results. This was typical and almost expected as I had just had a baby. I wasn’t too upset, though very anxious. We had never had to wait long to get pregnant. I even remember getting a bit frustrated that we got pregnant with Taylie on the 2nd month of trying, instead of the 1st.

...
Moving on, doctor added another medication, blood work, shots, etc. to see if my body would respond. Nothing. Month 3 I became a human pin cushion. I hate needles/shots more than anything, and I have to say at this point I’m more than over it. Many shots that month of various things to see if my body would somehow respond to something. Again no results.

...
By month 4 I was getting frustrated. Month 5 I started to get worried that something was wrong. My doctor (who I love) said he has never had a patient in his history of practice that didn’t respond to the cocktail of stuff I was given. Basically my body just wasn’t ovulating. And of course no ovulation = no chance of getting pregnant. We couldn’t do anything until my body started to respond and ovulate. He called a couple of his Doctor friends who also were stumped by my situation. I had more blood tests and other tests to measure every type of hormone/fluid ect. that I didn’t even know existed in my body. All came back normal. There was no reason why my body isn’t responding. If we could just get my body to ovulate we were golden, nothing else was wrong. At this point I was on the highest possible dose of a fertility drug that should increase the amount of eggs you ovulate. But for me, no response.

Nothing.

...
I have to explain that for some reason my body doesn’t do well with hormone changes. All these medications turned me into a different person. I hated it. My husband wasn’t a fan, and I was miserable. I had hot flashes like I was 50, headaches, migraines, nausea, and all I could smell was something that reminded me of burnt lead. It made me sick. With each passing month it just got worse. Apparently the side effects just start to compound when added together.

...
It was during month 6 (November) that I asked what my chances were of my body just going back to normal on its own if I just went off everything and gave it a break. He said that typically he would do this, and that I could even try it, but the hormones I have been taking are more than what my body would produce naturally, so the possibility of my body correcting itself anytime soon was low. Bla.

...
I had an infection around this time that made it so that I needed to stop nursing. Which in the “trying to get pregnant” world, this was a good thing. At this point I was more than frustrated, and worried. The grand idea of when I wanted my child to be born was quickly disappearing. Which for someone like me made me even more impatient. I just wanted to be pregnant already. At this point my doctor said that there was something else he needed to test for. Since all my tests were coming back normal he, and a couple doctor friends think it would be best to test for one last thing. Apparently all my results were pointing in one direction.

...

Early menopause.

...

There was nothing wrong with my body. Nothing wrong with any other level of hormones, I just wasn’t ovulating.

...
When he said that I just sat there. I didn’t even know it was possible since I’m still young. He said that it is rare but that it happens more than most people think. And that if this was the case, pregnancy just wasn’t going to happen.

...
I always wondered why people don’t talk about struggles with having kids.

...
And this is why: Because it sucks.

...
There’s really nothing anyone can do or say to make it better. I felt like I was in a time warp. I would count down the days until my first round of medication (taken for days 5-10) then second medication days 10-15), then Ovulation kits, and pregnancy tests and blood work and progesterone shots. Over and over again. Only to be hoping and praying for a positive result and getting a big fat negative.

...

I tried to “be in the moment” with my kids because hello, I had two wonderful kids that needed my attention. But I couldn’t help but be side-tracked at times. Not only did I feel like my body was somehow working against me, but I felt like I had failed somehow. I was a mom. I was meant to have kids, and here I was with no control over that decision.

...

Judd and I kept all this to ourselves. Which probably made many people wonder why I was such a moody mess. But for someone like me, I’d really rather just deal with it on my own then have questions from people about it. This is also why I didn’t blog. Though I was trying to focus on good things, I really just didn’t have much to say. Each month I thought I’d be able to post a “we’re pregnant” post, and that never happened. So I just decide to wait until I was in a better mood.

...
Back to the day that sucked….

...
It had never even crossed my mind that not having more kids was even a possibility. Menopause? Really? I drove home to get my kids from my mom. When I got there a family friend had brought over a bunch of stuff for Kaden. My mom was wondering why I didn’t act overjoyed and thankful, but honestly I really was just trying to act normal without bursting out crying in front of everyone. There were many instances like this where I’d be in a situation and found it hard to act normal.

What can I say? Hormones and life just got the best of me at times.

...
My husband and I are religious, but this situation put my prayers into overdrive. There were the first 6 months that I felt pissed, and bitter at the world. Really what the heck was it that I was supposed to learn from all this?

...
About this time I went on vacation to St. George with my family. A girl’s vacation was really what I needed to take my mind off of everything that was going on. I’d get my test results for the whole menopause fiasco when I returned.

...

They came back negative for menopause.

...

So there I sat a medical mystery. But being a mystery is so much better than being a positive for no longer having kids. At least there was still some hope.

...
About this time I joined a “fertility treatment” board. Basically a bunch of people on the same medication as me that would get on each day with questions, stories, etc. to help those of us that were new or somewhat new to the whole infertility experience. This experience changed my perspective. There were people there that had been trying for YEARS to get pregnant. Some that had tried In-Vitro-Fertilization etc, with no results. Thousands and thousands of dollars spent trying to have kids. Some had many miscarriages and even still born babies while trying to grow their families.

...
I think that was what I needed. I decided that heading into the end of November I was going to enjoy the holidays with my family. I would do whatever I needed in order to keep our chances of pregnancy up, but I wasn’t going to stay so focused on it that I was missing out on life. December was great. I really did enjoy it. Around that time I just knew that we would have more kids. I didn’t know when, but the feeling brought me peace enough to relax about the whole situation.

...
January was the final month being monitored by my doctor before he would ship me off to “Infertility Land”. My doctor went over the procedures they do at the Fertility Clinic, and all the different tests/drugs they try. This didn’t make me happy. I felt like Petri dishes and tubes and needles just wasn’t the ideal way to pregnancy. I can’t believe I know people that have had IVF and I never realized exactly what they went through in order to get to that point. Judd and I talked about the options.

...

The expenses alone overwhelmed us. The cost out of pocket would be many thousands of dollars if the other drugs didn’t work. Insurance isn’t a fan of infertility clinics and therefore most don’t cover very much.

...
I knew going into January that this was it. One final round. I finally reached the point that I felt that I had done everything that I could. We didn’t have $25k out of pocket for IVF, and so I prayed. I would wait as long as I needed if I didn’t have to go to the Infertility Center, but in my heart I knew that it was most likely going to be needed.

...
I think this was the first time I broke down. I can usually pull myself together and rarely do I like looking helpless, but one night in early January I was just done. I was so done with all of this. Judd was so supportive. I didn’t know why we were having such a hard time. Really of all the things to want and not get, …a baby? Really? There were plenty of pot head people running around getting pregnant and here we were, responsible parents who just wanted another child.

...

Judd was great. I felt better after having my little melt down, and decided that we’d do whatever we needed to do.

...
On January 6th I went to the doctor to start our last round. They check with a pregnancy test before each round and of course negative. So, on we went for 2 weeks of meds in preparation of the final dose. I had no hope. I didn’t think that this would work. No reason to think otherwise. I had come to accept that we would be going to the Infertility Clinic, and that it may take much longer to get pregnant than I wanted.

...
The round of progesterone had the same result as every month before (which was none). Typically (for those of you interested in the medical aspects of this stuff) if your body gets a steady round of progesterone and then you stop taking it, it triggers ovulation and a period. Since I wasn’t ovulating this outcome never happened. (too much information? Probably… but I’ve been so stuck in the medical world that all this seems like nothing anymore). I had my second appointment to start the booster shot before the meds (hoping to trigger ovulation by hyper stimulation, if anything this is supposed to increase your chances of twins + because a normal person would ovulate more than one egg on this shot).

...
The day before my doctor’s appointment (January 20th) I had the feeling during lunch at work to take a pregnancy test. I pushed the thought away as I didn’t want to even have hope for a positive anymore, it would just make me depressed for the day. Judd was out of town and my kids were spending the night at my moms. I was a home getting their clothes ready when I had another feeling to take a pregnancy test. I thought this was stupid. There was no way I’d be pregnant because I was scheduled to start my fertility medication in 3 days. And I had already gotten a negative 2 weeks earlier. I didn’t feel pregnant. But what the heck? I’d already taken 32 pregnancy tests so far, might as well make it 33. I took the test, went to pack my son’s bag and came back. I thought for a minute that I was reading the test upside down, because the stupid 1 line that I was so used to was on the wrong side. And then the second appeared.

...

It was positive.

...
I sat there for a minute. I thought I had read the lines wrong. I checked again. Two lines. This was IMPOSSIBLE. (From a medical standpoint at least). I started to get excited, but I was a little apprehensive. I had waited so long, what if this was just a mistake?

...
Doctors appointment the next day confirms. Pregnant, and not by medical intervention. He said the possibility was quite low, but that miracles happen. I somehow ovulated on my own in the middle of the progesterone round. And that the timing was perfect because having progesterone at the beginning of a pregnancy also strengthens it.

...
This experience has taught me a lot. More than you have time to read on my blog. But I have learned that there are many people with bigger issues and struggles than myself. I have learned that patience is not my best quality, but that waiting has taught me more than getting pregnant right when I want. I have made many friends online that I would not have otherwise. I have gained an appreciation for the 2 healthy kids I already have. I am thankful for a supportive husband that was there for me when I was a moody mess. I have a newfound respect and admiration for those that have struggled with having kids. Some do not have as good an outcome as I did. I am able to see parenthood for what it is, a gift and a blessing.

...
So to make a VERY long story short. We struggled. We are excited. Life isn’t perfect, but we are thankful. In the end this imperfect road was exactly what we needed, in many ways.

...
7 rounds of medicine, months of waiting, and 33 pregnancy tests later we are pregnant :)
...
…..and I think I’m ready to start blogging again :)

Little Birthday Girl!

2011-03-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been a year.

She's grown so much, but still is a little midget.

Kaden is starting to like playing with her because she can " chase" him around the house by doing her army crawl.

Taylie is the happiest baby ever. I really hope we have more like her :)

Taylie has an announcement! :)

2011-03-11T06:53:00.001-08:00

I guess being "The Baby" doesn't last long around here :)

Lets all pray September gets here fast!

Back To Blogging!

2011-03-10T20:14:00.000-08:00

Update coming Friday March 11th :)

Pumpkin Pickin

2010-10-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am loving the fall.

This weather just couldn't be better :)

Kaden has a new love of Tractors and anything that goes with them.

He likes to talk about how the tractor digs the holes

and he has bulldozers all over the house.

I've been trying to get him to say Backhoe better, because when he says it

it sounds like "butt hole". So I'm really thinking the other moms

in nursery/daycare are really appreciating Kaden teaching their kids

bad words.

We went with the kids and my mom to the Pumpkin Patch

and took a tractor ride to pick them out. Kaden had a good time

A part of me

2010-10-19T06:25:00.000-07:00

There is a part of me that loves this...

Working a million hours at work,

Being so busy I could probably work without stopping for weeks

Coming in before the sun comes up, and going home at night.

I used to want to be a career woman.

It took up a whole lot of me.

I loved making Ideas turn into something.

I loved making money, being in charge, and telling people what to do.

When we got married this was a huge focus, almost too much.

And after I had Kaden I have been pretty good at keeping that part of myself in check.

And then I got a position at work that I love, and my husband doesn't exactly love.

Because as much as I try I always come back to needing to keep things balanced.

And as much as I love what I'm doing at work, it is nothing compared to this:

What have we been up to?

2010-10-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

What have we been up to?

Well, today Kaden has been on timeout.

Updates coming soon :)

(yes I know it has been forever since I posted.

I'm pretty sure days are getting shorter the older I get)

When I don't post

2010-09-27T11:30:00.001-07:00

So how is it that I get a million visits to my blog when I don't post? :)

Miss Taylie :)

2010-08-06T10:11:00.001-07:00

Oh my gosh she's getting big.

She looks bigger than she is, because she's so round...
...

But she's actually a short tiny little thing.

17% for length
47% for weight

13 lbs 2 oz
...
She found her toes this week, which is super cute.
...

I'm almost 72% certain that she will either have red, or strawberry blonde hair.
We'll know once she decides to sprout a few!

Photo Post #3 Fishing

2010-08-05T09:16:00.001-07:00

So... my husband loves the outdoors,

which is why I'm not too surprised that Kaden does too.

...

But Kaden's mom likes him to be safe, and worries he'll fall in the

lake if his dad takes him fishing...

...

So the next best thing is the waterfall at Judd's parents house.

They stock it with fish.

Cute fish... (if there is such a thing).

...

It was fun to see how excited he was to catch it.

Taylie and I sat on the swing next to the waterfall while

Kaden and Judd did the fishing thing.

...

That's my kind of outdoor experience :)

Photo Post #2

2010-08-04T11:28:00.001-07:00

The 4th of July started out great!

Judd's brother Rand just got a new boat and wanted the family to go out.

Everyone brought stuff for a little BBQ by the lake.

We all spent the morning/afternoon at Pineview.

...

Since most people were doing the Parade thing... the lake wasn't too crowded.
...

At the Kaysville Parade with Grandma and Grandpa.

Kaden liked to get the candy and throw it back at people.

Later that night we did a BBQ at my parents and went early to save

our spots for Fireworks.

The blowup slides looked nasty with kids crawling all over them...

but once Kaden went down he loved it.

...

It's been a tradition for our family to watch the fireworks on the hill,

but this year we got all the cousins/grandparents there too.

...

Once the Fireworks started, Taylie slept through the whole thing.

Kaden kept saying the colors of the lights as they went off.

And that was our 4th! :)

Photo Post #1

2010-08-03T15:39:00.000-07:00

Since my last post was a full novel of text...

I thought I would start to do an update with pictures.

...

This was our Lovely (or not so lovely) trip to the zoo,

Notice how flushed we all are as we are baking in the sun.

Um... one thing I will have to say is I am totally disappointed in the zoo.

...

I remember going there for an elementary field trip and it seemed so cool.

...

When we went I swear the elephants looked sick.

The grounds weren't kept very clean (reminded me of Lagoon, with far more germs)

And it totally lacked the WOW experience.

...

I don't know...

....

maybe they should get more funding...

...

or donate the animals to some place that

can make a better or bigger place for them to live.

...

In a way it was more sad to see all the animals in such tight spaces.

...

Kaden is totally into Thomas the Train these days,

...

So riding the 193 second train ride

(which wouldn't have been worth the $1.50 per person had I not gotten free tickets)

was the best part of the zoo to him.

...

Too bad there was only like 3 animals crammed in cages along the way.

...

They decorated the rest of the train ride with RIP fake grave sites for Jesse James

(which I still cannot figure out how that had anything to do with a zoo experience).

...

The famous "overheated truck" experience.

I'm so glad Kaden was in somewhat of a good mood while we were stuck there in the heat.

Did I mention that not only was it 100 degrees outside,

but we had to blast the heater on the way home?

FUN!

And there is photo update #1 :)

Are you Serious???

2010-07-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

This month has been a long one.

If it is hard for you to read this whole post because of the length...

just think how long it seemed living it :)

...

You know how they say "When it rains, it pours?"

...

Well... this month has been a whole lot like that.

...

Lets start off with the beginning of the month of July.....

...

Judd was at work, his brothers and their friends all went boating. One of them parked behind Judd's big dually truck on the down sloap of his parents driveway. So when Judd went to back out, he didn't see it and did some nice $2,600 worth of damage to the trunk.

...

When unexpected expenses come up, I can't help but think of where that money could have gone. That right there folks could have been a nice Mexican Riviera Cruise.

...

Next.

...

Driving home from work shortly after I put on my brakes and it sounded like a huge plane was about to crash on me. So I took it strait to the auto repair place and needed to fully replace everything in my brakes for a nice $450.

...

Or in other words: the cost of a new couch.

......

Next

...

I forgot to mention that I had been without a dishwasher for about 4 months already... and so being at work full time, then spending lots of time doing dishes instead of being with my family = not a happy Heidi. So we decided... Heck... while we're throwing money at stupid stuff might as well put that on the list too... another $800 later I have an awesome dishwasher.

...

Had I not needed to buy a dishwasher, that money would have been a nice trip to Cali.

...

NEXT

After picking the kids up from daycare I carried them both inside. I went back out to my car to get the diaper bag and when I went to go back in the house... the door was locked. I started to panic for a second, wondering how in the heck the door could be locked with the keys and kids inside. So I went to my car and got a credit card and tried the bottom lock. It wasn't the bottom. How the heck did the dead bolt get locked? I tried to stay calm, until Kaden knocked on the door and said "mom help". I tried to talk to him but then he started crying... loud. Which made his mom cry because...um... hello my little baby is inside being babysat by her 2 year old brother. The only thing that kept going through my mind is the thing people always say about "never leave your baby and toddler alone for any period of time." Ah...

...

So then I called my parents crying, they were on their way over.

...

I saw my neighbor across the street (who happens to be a police guy) and made myself stop crying and act normal while I talked to this neighbor that we didn't know very well. (because I really didn't want to be known as the "crazy" neighbor) I told him the situation, but somehow he thought I was just crying because I locked myself out of the house and it was hot outside. He said "why don't you just sit in your car with the air conditioning?" Then when he realized I had been crying because my LITTLE BABIES were inside, he said "Oh I thought you were just crying because you didn't want to be outside in the heat, now I get why you are upset!".

......

Seriously?

....

Then the police guy climbed in all my window wells to see if any of my windows were unlocked, which they weren't. Then we went to the back sliding glass door to see if Kaden would unlock it for us... but he just knocked on the glass and showed us his Buzz toy.

...

Judd wasn't answering any of the 900 calls I made to him.

...

After trying to get inside for about an hour, my mom convinced Kaden to pull the wooden stick from the sliding glass door and unlock it. I still don't know how he understood what to do.

.....

Anyway.

...

I felt like a crappy mom for having my kids locked in the house by themselves. And had Taylie not been in her car seat (where I could see her through the sliding glass window), and had she been crying I would have broken a window to get in.

...

When Judd got home he couldn't really understand why I was so upset the kids were alone in the house if they were ok. Which made me even more upset that he couldn't relate/understand why it WAS such a big deal. (and just for my own sanity I did a pull of all my female mother friends and they too agree it WAS a big deal, therefore making me feel like a normal human mother, instead of a crazy one)

Next

While on our way to the Zoo Judd said "my truck isn't acting right". While we were driving up the hill to the Zoo entrance his Radiator started to smoke (or whatever it is that it was doing). Good thing we were right there anyway.

We went to the Zoo (pictures to come) and it was so HOT that all the animals decided not to come out, because um.. it was HOT. Also there was this weird guy that kept following us everywhere we went. One time we thought we lost him and when we went in to see the Monkey's there he was sitting on a bench with his shirt totally unbuttoned with his gut hanging out. Creepy. Kaden hadn't had his nap so being tired+ hot = no interest in the animals. All that work and no real payoff. Oh... did I mention that his mom made a nice lunch for the zoo.. but left it on the kitchen counter? Nice!

NEXT

Since the truck didn't overheat at the Zoo we thought it might be fine to drive home.

...

But no... of course not.

...

So thankfully after we got out of the 2 lane (no emergency pullout) area, the truck decides to overheat. Right when it hit the high red area we had pulled over in shade. We waited while Judd poured water into the radiator thing.

...

Please picture this if you will...

...

it was so hot Judd was thirsty, after pouring some of the gallon of water in to the radiator, he decided to drink some, but some of the steam had gone into the jug so when he drank it, he drank some of the nasty radiator stuff. So there I was on the side of the road in 100 degree weather with two hungry kids and a husband that is puking by the hood of the truck. I scrounged around for some food for Kaden and came up with a couple packets of those small saltine crackers we got at some restaurant.

...

Nice... nothing says Bad mom like saltine crackers for lunch.

...

So we called triple A to come tow his truck to a repair place. Later that night they called and said that it cracked the radiator hose when it overheated so that would be $2,400.

...

Gosh... ok, that's just enough money to have had a nice weekend getaway.

...

We needed Judd's truck for our annual Cabin trip to Island Park over the 24th so we were in a bit of a hurry to get it done (this was Saturday the 17th). By Monday they said it won't be done till Wednesday (the day we wanted to leave). Wednesday came, I packed everything (which took me hours) Have you ever packed for two babies? Lots of stuff. Two pack N' Plays... two strollers, diapers, food, toys, blankets, outfits etc..... and no truck. Then they called us Wednesday night and said that not only did the radiator hose crack... but also the engine block. So grand total on that is $6,650.

...

Or in other words... A trip to Paris... the purchase of a small car, or heck... 3 Mexican Riviera Cruises.

...

And the truck wouldn't be done for quite some time. With no truck (and not wanting my car to brake down on the way to the cabin) we decided we couldn't go.

...

The next morning I started crying when Judd was getting ready to go to work. I was so exhausted from work and everything else that had been going on that I was bummed we wouldn't be able to have our family trip after I had taken 1/2 a day off work to get everything packed. So I un-packed everything and put it away.

....

Then we decided that we really did need to get away as a family. Judd went on a treasure hunt of all his money spots and got cash together to rent a car. (as I sat there awe struck at just how many hiding places he has, and told him to make me a treasure map in case he dies so I can find all his money).

...

Then Judd's mom called and said we can take her Expedition, yay... and thus the packing started again.

...

We got up to the cabin late Thursday night. It was fun. It was somewhat relaxing (as much as could be expected with 2 kids). This is our 6th year going up over the 24th of July. The cabin is where Judd and I started dating in 2005.

We got home from the cabin trip on Sunday. Then Monday while driving to work I get pulled over for the first time in like 8 years. I wasn't speeding. I guess I forgot to register my car last month, I had every insurance paper since the dawn of time (except for the current one) which I was told is required by law to have the most recent paper in your vehicle.

...

Also, I guess it is against the law if you don't update your drivers license address 10 days after you move. I'm only 2 1/2 years late on that one. I didn't even try to talk my way out of a ticket... just add that to the list of crap this month please. But the Highway Patrol officer (who looked like he just got out of high school) just wrote me up a warning to get everything fixed within 14 days.

...

(note: not getting a ticket felt like a silver lining in the clouds, and I thought all this bad luck was turning around).. until

...

I had a million things to do at work yesterday, but I had to leave early to get my car registered..... it failed safety. Registration, plus the stuff to get it fixed to pass was $250

....

Or in other words, the cost of eating out for lunch every day for a whole month.

...

...

This morning after dropping Judd off at work (we're carpool buddies now, ain't that great!) I got into work 30 minutes late only to hear this nice sound coming from my front tire.

....

Yup it's flat.

... .

But of course it is flat... why wouldn't it be? So I call Triple A (should get them on speed dial) to have someone come put on my spare. Who is it that shows up? A lady that's about 4 1/2 feet tall. Not only did I feel dumb for not knowing how to do this myself, but my tire can't be patched. I guess a screw jumped out and attacked my tire so I need to buy a new one on the way home.

....

The cost of that will surely be enough to have paid for the Flip video camera thing I wanted.

....

that is.. if I can make it home, in one piece, without anything else happening.

....

Judd and I have had pretty good attitudes lately about everything that is going on. Mostly because it is pretty funny that it seems something big happens every couple of days.

......

Looking on the bright side... I would much rather bleed out money for things then have my kids/family sick or hurt. We are all safe and healthy and still enjoying life.

...

It has made us more humble, or depressed... one of the two :)

...

But that has been the Gold Family month of July...hope yours has gone a bit better :)

Happy Anniversary :)

2010-06-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

4 years ago today it was hot.
...

Like really, really HOT.

...

I wanted to get married in June,

because rumor was June is the best wedding month, and

who wouldn't want to have a wedding in the best wedding month?

...

We were young.

Well... maybe I was young. Judd was 27.

I was 21.

Young.

...

Most of the unimportant decisions/thoughts/ preparations that day seemed to mean everything,

and the things that meant everything seemed to be at the back of my mind.

...

-Would the cake get there on time,

decorated the way I wanted, to match the cupcakes?

-How did the yard look for the outdoor wedding?

-How does my hair look?

-wow I really like the necklace

-Should I wear the shoes, or just take them off...

but if I take them off I'll be too short.

...

-How should we arrange the little jellybean boxes to look nice on the table?

-That is a whole lot of chicken salad

-Do the gifts I got my friends all match the cards and the bags they go in?

.....

and on and on went the ridiculous thoughts that came on my wedding day

I think the more important thoughts about my wedding day

have happened the years following

as I reflect on how great a day it was.

I think I was too young to realize the lasting results of that decision.

To me,

on that day I was getting married to a really great guy,

who I thought was hot and who made me laugh.

...

Looking back on my thoughts that day

I never realized that I was marrying the man that would turn into my best friend.

The person I can always talk to.

The person that somehow always understands me,

and makes me feel like I am the best thing in his life.

The person that makes me feel safe when I am worried,

and sane when I am crazy.

On that day

I didn't realize that the handsome guy in the suit

would turn into a wonderful father.

One that would stay up all night when one of the kids get sick,

and bring me ice cream for dinner when I was pregnant.

One that would work all day to support his family,

and hurry home to be with them.

I had no idea

that we would turn our house into a home

and fill it with babies.

That the first baby would make us so happy

that we'd want a second...

and even more.

I couldn't foresee the sacrifices that we would make together

to do the best we could for our family.

And with that

I couldn't see just how difficult some of those decisions would be.

...

I didn't realize then

that working through the tough times would bring us closer.

Or that forgiving takes less effort than holding a grudge.

There have been a lot of good times and a lot of trying times in the past 4 years.

If I would have known then just how good it is now...

I may have settled for a May wedding :)

Happy Anniversary Judd!

Time Passing

2010-06-11T10:20:00.001-07:00

I remember when I was little waiting for something was so hard for me. If I had to wait a day to play with a friend, wait for the weekend to have sleepovers, or wait a month until school was out it seemed to kill me. When I was young it seemed as though each moment was important. The days weren't long enough to include everything I wanted to do. From watching a favorite TV show to playing outside or doing sports, it all seemed to be on the top of the list. I never thought much beyond the current week so living in the moment was quite simple.

...

Now as I get older it seems as though my plans take on a whole different type of time frame. What can I do now so that in 5 years I can stay at home with my kids? Judd and I now talk about plans for next year. Things we want to accomplish before I'm 30, before we retire etc. This is so crazy to me.

...

I find myself talking to friends about going to dinner and saying "this week is so busy how about two weeks from now?" as if two weeks time is nothing.

I'm working on a big project with China that I'm hoping to have all set in stone by March of NEXT YEAR... what?

...

And with time passing I find myself putting off things that seem so little, that I feel I will have time for later. Such as a photo session with Taylie in her blessing dress. I have put this off and put this off until now and I'm thinking it is too late.

...

Judd and I have been wanting to take a vacation, or go camping to just get away, but so many things just seem to take priority.

...

I was reading the news when I read just a regular story about a family in Utah with a child about the age of Kaden. The mom is 4 months pregnant with a daughter and in March their son started tilting his head to the right and they found out that he has a rare cancer that will likely kill him before a year. Though there are many stories like this out there, it got me thinking.

...

Seriously...

what am I doing with my time?

I work and work and work to buy things

I have lists miles long of things that I still need to complete

I come home from work only to have a whole other type of list to do ... while my kids quickly are growing before my eyes.

...

I spend too much time trying to get the stupid stuff done like:

laundry

cooking

cleaning

photos

work

When really if I was told that me or someone I knew only had a year left to live, I could find time.

Time to visit,

time to play,

time to go to the park

so if I COULD make time then, why can't I make time NOW?

...

Last night I went home from my parents with a list of 20 contacts from China that I needed to email. And then those emails needed to be put into a spreadsheet and I had 3 companies to do research on.

...

Instead I spent time with my kids.

They'll never remember that I did.

...

But I feel better having a load of work incomplete than a child that grew up in a blink of an eye while I was busy "working".

...

It is hard for me to be a person that lives in the moment. I'm terrible at it. Even when I try it seems like the momentum to keep it up dies after a week or two. So here is my new resolve to start being a little better at taking time away from things that don't matter and giving it to things that do.

...

My two favorite quotes (and I don't know where they came from)

...

"the things that matter most should never be at the mercy of the things that matter least"

...

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realize they were the big things."

...

And those are my thoughts for today :)

The things going on in life right now...

2010-05-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

Why oh why do I not have time to read blogs anymore?

I swear I used to be all caught up on seeing how everyone else's life is going, but having "time" is a thing of the past.

Plus... Nienie has been a bit depressing lately I've had to quit reading, and I don't like when CJane has guest bloggers, so I guess I'm not missing out on too much.

But lately we've been having fun with my FMLA time (aka... no work), and since Jenny has been home we've been hanging out with her more too.

But then she decided to move back to New Jersey for a year. She left on Saturday. But here is a recap of recent events while she was here.

OGDEN MARATHON

Jenny decided to run the Ogden Marathon with a couple friends. Two weeks and 3 days before the marathon her friends bailed on her. Since they already paid for their entry (and the marathon was full), I told Judd he should run with her (totally kidding of course). The next day he asked me if I thought Jenny would be able to get him the bib from one of her friends that wasn't running. I told him probably not, but I asked her for him.

When she found out she could get a bib for him I started to panic. Mostly because my husband has had ZERO marathon training (though he does run most every day about 3 miles). Let me remind everyone that 3 miles is a bit different than 26.2 miles.

But he was determined. For the next two weeks he stepped up his running (which is against most marathon rules for two weeks prior to race). He also bought new shoes 4 days before the race (another rule breaker). In my head I knew he COULD make it, mostly because he is in great shape, but my worry was that he'd get injured during the race due to lack of training.

Anyway... long story short they both finished and did great! I was just happy to see him at the finish line. We'd been waiting there for a hour to make sure we didn't miss them. As time passed I got more and more scared that something had happened.

I think they both are checking it off their bucket list. As my husband said at the finish line "I hurt everywhere and I never want to do that again."

Now along the 2 weeks prior to the race I offered all the advice I could, but I think they only took about 10% of it. For example... eating Top Ramen for breakfast would totally make me puke on a regular day, let alone race day. But he did carb load the night before and the morning of.

Jenny and Judd had to wake up bright and early (3am)

And of course I had to include the supporters. Katie and I not only went to the expo to find them shirts in the poring rain the day before, but we sat out in the dreadful heat the day of the race waiting for them to finish.

This is my version of a double stroller. I just laid her down in the back.

Next on the list is Jenny graduating college!

The best part was going out to dinner to celebrate :)

Another day we watched Madison play softball. It was Taylie's first ball game.

I don't get to include my dad much in the blog... so here he is

She got tuckered out quick.

Madison had a Lunch at the Playground thing for her school. We went and ate Subway sandwiches before the rain rolled in.

Kaden spent a whole week watching the construction outside my mom's house.

He would point out the window and say "holes" because they were digging holes in the road.

I'm really good at doing the laundry, but it's a whole other story trying to have it put away all the time.

Have you ever had to put your clean/unfolded laundry somewhere so that guests couldn't see it? I don't remember who was coming over but I had to put everything in our tub as to clean up the house in under 5 minutes :)

If you've never had to do something similar then you are way too busy doing laundry :)

Kaden loves calculators. He can sit and play with one for over an hour.

I really don't try to turn him into a nerd, he just loves stuff like that.

Maybe once it is actually hot outside (and not snowing in MAY), we'll get him out and into sports. Till then he's just happy with his square number machine.

It is hard to take family pictures in general. But when it comes to my family... ugh so much harder it seems. We didn't pick the best day either (rain and wind right when we went to take them). We were in and out in about a half hour (record).

We had to get them done before Jenny left.

Here's an out-take for family enjoyment

Love it:

Kaden running around

Jenny asking "is my hair ok?"

me asking "does the necklace look weird"

Judd so not even interested

My mom telling my dad to hurry so we can be done

The Girls

And of course, before Jenny left she wanted a picture with both my kids. Which is asking a whole lot as Kaden is scared to sit by his sister.

With M&Ms as bait we snapped a million, with all of them looking disastrous. This is the best we got.

And those are the things going on in my life right now :O)

Blessing Day!

2010-05-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

We got to bless Taylie on Mothers Day.

I always get stressed to the max with things like this, but thankfully I had a whole lot of people do a ton of work to make it awesome. My mother especially, did a lot to make sure I felt ok about how things turned out.

We had many friends and family that came to support us. Judd gave her the most amazing blessing. The day was nice and warm (for once), and makes me crave summer.

We decided to bless her in the dress I was blessed in. She was good and slept all through church.

My friends. Love how we are all wearing black.

The cousins

Kaden. I can't believe how big he is getting!

5 Generations in a room

Around the house:

Just a few pics so my walls don't look bare. I felt like you previously could have walked in my house and felt like a 90 year old grandma lived there.

This one is my favorite. I put it on my entry wall just as you walk in the door.

I had to hang some bigger prints by the fireplace... they look small but they're actually a 16 x 20

The End :)

Coloring

2010-04-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

Kaden's favorite thing to do these days is color. We haven't had any accidents yet... but I'm sure there will be a few things drawn on that shouldn't be.

A catch up post

2010-04-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ok since I'm terrible at posting I still wanted to post the last month's happenings. It will mostly be in pictures since this would be a terribly long post if I rambled on about each little thing.

So lets start with St. Patrick's day.

I forgot it was St. Patrick's day until my mom came over to run Kaden to the babysitter for me. We had to change his shirt so that he was wearing green. (otherwise I'd feel like a loser mom who couldn't even prepare a green shirt for her kid on green wearing day). And he still has a thing with clocks... any type actually, including watches.

March 18th. I was in need of social interaction and getting out of the house. I go somewhat crazy if I am stuck indoors too long, even after just giving birth 6 days earlier. Lunch with the cousins and my Great-grandma was just the thing. Cafe Rio is magical.

Kaden slowly got used to his sister. He even finds her blanket (though we are still working on the "be soft to sister" aspect of it all. He almost body slammed her on one blanket hand off.

He did some funny little things like place his toys on her legs and try to hand her his balloon. I think he may have been trying to share, who knows.

Kaden's Birthday was a very long event. It was celebrated about 100 times. Starting with the babysitter on March 18th (his birthday wasn't till the 24th). She did cute cupcakes, balloons, and a book since he wasn't going to be there on his actual birthday.

Kaden loves to read these foam books where you pull out the pieces.

He pulled his balloons around for a couple weeks until they were dead and touching the ground.

March 21 we celebrated my sister Madison's birthday and Kaden's birthday at my parents. Kaden's favorite gift was the basketball hoop.

This is his minor melt down moment when we told him to "stop" when he tried to blow out his candle too early. We had to get pictures first :) Poor kid.

He's like his mama and loves anything with sugar.

His actual birthday was in the middle of the week, and thus uneventful. But I did make some cupcakes with him and let him decorate them. Judd came home during lunch time to eat with us and give Kaden a creamy to eat.

His family birthday party was the following Sunday March 28th. He got spoiled.

It's so hard to get a family picture with all of us

Miss Taylie was still a tiny thing then.

I love how tiny she looks when Judd holds her. So funny :)

Kaden was in much need of a sister-free outing. He was having new baby overload, so Judd decided to take him fishing early Saturday morning (march 27th)

Of my husband's many talents, dressing our son in a matching outfit isn't one of them. In fact I'm sure people thought my son was homeless. Though the first picture doesn't display the extent of the mis-match... let me describe it...

Layer 1 dinosaur pajamas colors orange/blue/red

Layer 2 overalls, color green

Layer 3 jacket color gray

Layer 4 jacket color blue

with a jacket hat and my husbands hat on top

oh and not to forget... his Sunday shoes

Lovely :)

Judd took him to the Kaysville Ponds, not really knowing if they'd catch anything. They did catch a 14 inch trout (he said he was surprised since you mostly catch catfish there).

As the story goes... a bird got the line tangled so Judd was pulling it in when a fish bit it. Kaden reeled it in for a second then got bored so Judd pulled it in. When Kaden saw there was a fish on it he got excited so Judd tossed the line back into the pond with the fish on it so Kaden could reel it in himself.

Kaden was saying "fishy... roll" all day long. (he thought the marshmallow on the end was a roll so he kept pointing to the rolls and saying fishy)

After learning that my son touched a fish... he was sent to the tub

And that should bring us to the next post (whenever I can post it)... next up Easter!

Finishing up

2010-04-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

ok so to finish up the birth story.... Taylie came out at 1:25 after two contractions. Quite easy. I watched as they cleaned her up on the table with her ankles crossed. She was the sweetest thing. I was shocked at how calm she was and the nurse said something like "Well her parents are calm so of course she's going to be"... and Judd and I just laughed because I think of us as a bit "high strung". But the nurses said we were really easy going. I think the only reason I was calm and happy is because I was on cloud 9 to finally get her out and to stop with all the contractions.

It was so early and Judd and I were terribly tired. Judd took her in to get a bath and came to tell me goodbye. He left around 3:45 am I believe. He had to drive a semi to Idaho at 7am... so I was very worried about him. Sleep wasn't easy with all the people going in and out of the room all night. Taylie just slept and looked around.

Since we had her so early in the morning on Friday... we decided to leave Saturday afternoon. Friday we got visitors and I enjoyed watching TLC all day. The hospital also did pedicures which was nice. Judd came later that night with his mom with an Ice cream cake (I told him I don't want flowers...get me something I can eat :) )

Saturday morning my parents came back up and Judd and I got our "candle-light dinner" to eat while watching some reality show about swamp loggers. Then we went home.

Things have been great ever since. Except Taylie had reflux really bad which didn't bother her until last week. She is now on medication and still is just a calm happy baby.

I had to take a picture of my feet because they were huge after all the fluids they put in me

I love it when she goes in the little frog position

Judd was so tired giving her the 1st bath

After she was born I was starving. The nice nurse saved me an awesome turkey sandwich since the cafeteria was closed. She was totally my best friend at that moment :)

Finally we can get onto the events that have happened this past month!

I will post more I promise

2010-04-12T08:18:00.000-07:00

But right now I still can't believe she's a month old today... are you kidding me????

It's time for a Birth story

2010-04-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

Since she will be 4 weeks tomorrow, I guess I might as well post her birth story :)

Warning... this is about 200 pages long. It is mostly for me so I don't forget, if you make it through the whole thing... wow!

As stated before, I had been having contractions constantly since week 29. Usually they were 5 to 8 minutes apart lasting 30 seconds to 1 minute. (quite annoying)

My last doctor appointment was on Tuesday March 9th where we scheduled me to be induced on March 22nd (two days before Kaden's birthday). This would put me at 38 weeks 4 days cooked. He said I was free to go into labor at any point on my own though, and that if I went into the hospital with contractions under 5 minutes apart that made me dilate at all he would have them keep me.

I thought I could survive till then, that was until two days later while I was sitting at work at 9am. My boss called me and 3 others into his office. He wanted us to be a test group for a training he was putting together. After sitting in his office listening to lecture #1.. he gave us our homework assignment that we could complete at work, which included reading a couple chapters of a book and listening to a 2 hour CD.

After getting out of the meeting I decided I was done. Not only was my attention span at a zero... but I just could not work anymore. Seriously. I sent a message to my other manager that I was going home... my contractions were hurting me (which they were... but not necessarily more than normal).

I decided I was going to have a baby.

I knew that if I went on a long walk it would send my body into full blown contraction mode. I had avoided this up until then because I really did want to make it to 37 weeks, since this was the "full term" time. And that Thursday I was exactly 37 weeks.

AND... I have to add this info in just to put my decision into perspective. When I gave birth to Kaden it was a Monday and Judd had to work the whole week he was born. (march is their busy season) It is a sore spot in our marriage how he had to pick me and Kaden up from the hospital on his lunch break and then didn't get to see us hardly at all that week.

With that in mind.. I didn't want a repeat situation. I thought in my head that this labor would be faster than the first one, and we could get this baby out that day and I'd be going home on the weekend (so Judd could be there with us). Judd also had told me he'd be driving truck to Idaho the next day ... so if I had the baby then he wouldn't be there.

On my drive home I tried to determine all that needed to be done before going into the hospital to deliver

-shower

-long walk

-pack bags

-pack bag for Kaden

-Ask my mom to pick up Kaden from babysitter

- Get all papers gathered for hospital

-Eat lunch

I got an Arby's cheese melt on the way home.

When I got home the first thing I did was take a shower.

Then I packed all our bags. I packed a bag for me, one for Judd (for when I call and tell him we are having a baby he may need to have a change of clothes if he was coming from work). Packed 3 days worth of stuff for Kaden. Packed a bag for Taylie.

And then off I went to walk my 4 mile route. I hadn't exercised or anything since 29 weeks when the contractions started so it felt like I was carrying a bowling ball in my stomach. By the 1/2 mile mark my contractions were hard to walk through... but I wasn't going to walk into the hospital until I was pretty convinced they'd keep me.

This whole time I was debating if I should call Judd or not. Mostly because there was a part of me that felt like they were just going to send me home and I didn't want to worry him while he was busy at work. I called my mom and said I wasn't feeling good and asked her to go get Kaden from the babysitter.

I got home and walked my stairs while I called the doctor. He told me to go into the hospital.

Then I drove to the hospital. Once there I sat in the car for about 10 minutes. If I went in and they ended up sending me home I'd feel so stupid.

Anyway this whole process took longer than I anticipated. At work I had thought that I could have the baby by about 7pm if I timed everything right, but come 5:00 I was just getting hooked up to the monitors. I was assigned the nurse I had when Kaden was born (I hated her). They monitored me for an hour then came to tell me my contractions were every 1 to 4 minutes lasting 30 seconds to 1 minute BUT I wasn't dilated any more than I was at my doc appointment ( a 2) so if I don't dilate more they would send me home. So I had until 7pm to make a change or all efforts were lost.

My mom text me about 50 times if I needed her to come up... if I had text Judd... if we were going to have a baby. All made a little more anxious as I felt that they were going to send me home. I told her not to come.

7pm was when they were going to check me again... it was also Nurse shift change. The mean nurse was a bit plump... as were her fingers. So I figured that even if I had changed from a 2 to a 3 she wouldn't know because 2 of her fingers were just as big as 3. Anyway she checked and still a 2.

Disappointment isn't even a way to describe it.

She said I can either go home, or stay and be monitored for one more hour. I decided one more hour.

At this point it was getting late so I text Judd that they were monitoring me at the hospital. He asked if we were having a baby and I said I thought they were going to send me home so not to worry.

The new nurse was Fantastic. She came in at 7:20 and said my doctor called and since my contractions were still 1 to 4 minutes apart he said that I had been a trooper and earned myself a baby today. Then a random doctor walked in and said she was going to break my water and my doctor would be in to start pitocin in a little bit.

When she went to break my water she said that I was dilated to a 3... so they would have kept me anyway.

I called my mom while they were breaking my water (ouch)

I talked and laughed with the new nurse for quite a while. I'm sure she was wondering why the heck I was there at the hospital alone but all my bags were packed.

Anyway, Judd had just gotten home to take a shower when I called him and said we were having a baby. He went into panic mode. He asked the same questions a couple times. I just laughed and told him no rush they were just getting my IV in, and I'd rather have him clean.

He arrived a short time later, wearing shorts. He said he looked everywhere for his pants. When I told him that I had packed them and they were in my trunk, he got suspicious. "did you plan this?"... was his remark. I don't think I answered him because now we were looking at a really late night/early morning delivery when he had to drive to Idaho the next day.

It was a fantastic labor.

Aside from being really tired the nurse cracked me up, the guy that gave me the epidural knew Judd and we talked for quite some time, and the labor only lasted 5 hours.

My parents sat on the couch and played on their laptops until it was time to deliver.

When it came time to push she was out in 2 contractions.

She didn't cry. This made me really nervous. I kept asking "why isn't she crying", and the doctor kept saying "she's fine". This made me even more nervous that there really was something wrong and they didn't want to worry me. But she was fine. I could see her on the heating table with her ankles crossed.

I'll finish this tomorrow, as my husband is wanting to get some sleep tonight :)

A Tuesday Post

2010-03-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

We've been busy.

I have a hard time feeling like I've accomplished something when I'm at home. (Though taking care of children is work, I usually feel a bit more productive when I'm earning money)

Taylie still has been so sweet. Seriously if I could have all my kids act like this I'm sure we'd have a lot more. I honestly pictured having 2 kids totally different than it has been. In my mind she'd be waking up crying all the time so that Kaden wouldn't get any sleep. Things have gone a lot better than expected. She sleeps for 4 hours at a time, and I have a hard time waking up to her now since she still hasn't cried. Judd sleeps a bit lighter than I do so he normally pokes me and says "I think she's hungry". Because she'll wake up and start trying to eat her hands, and that's the only noise she'll make. I'm still waiting to see if this is just a newborn thing, or if she'll stay good (keeping fingers crossed).

I know I was going to post my birth story... and I will,

just after my mom and I organize my basement.

The cute little hat was made by my cousin, and as soon as I figure out how to add buttons I'll include her Etsy button on this blog, SUPER cute!

I had a baby :)

2010-03-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

I had a baby!

ok ok... so this is a bit late in posting. But I have a new little girl that is totally amazing.

Born Friday morning at 1:25 am, weighing 6 lbs 3 oz and 18 1/2 inches long.

Oh... and the best part... she has HAIR! (If you know my family, no baby is ever born with hair... let alone brown hair)

To be completely honest, I thought something was wrong when she was born because she didn't cry... and she hasn't cried since. Turns out I am spoiled and got a really really good baby. I had actually planned for the worst, since Kaden was a good baby too... but even he wasn't this good.

Big brother doesn't really know what to think of his new sister. He just tries to ignore her, and has been really clingy since she came home. Things are going much better than expected. This delivery was by far the easiest ever.

It is amazing to see my little family grow. My husband has been amazing, and all my family has been such a big help.

I have about a million pictures... and then some, so I will start posting (I hate baby announcements without pictures), but I need to go run some errands and visit my grandma.

Stay tuned ... birth story and more pictures to come!

Because I'm bored

2010-03-03T06:16:00.000-08:00

I really don't have anything new to write. Not much has happened lately,

...

but I really don't like it when nobody else updates their blogs. It makes it so I have nothing to read in the morning.

...

So this post is mostly just because I was looking on my camera and saw some random pictures. So I'll post them for the enjoyment of others, even if they aren't anything special.

......

Other random thoughts include:

...

- I'm happy the Biggest Loser is back on. We are fans, though it does take us a while to warm up to the new group, they just don't seem as wonderful.

...

- Vienna... While listening to 97.1 yesterday I think DB said it best in "she's the kind of girl you date in between girlfriends, but never marry." She's dumb, and now I feel that all those hours of watching the show were a waste of time.

- I wish Tenley was the next Batchelorette. Ally seemed to whine a bit much the day she left.

......

- The Salt Lake Tribune has called my cell phone every night for the past 3 nights. Each time I tell them I'm not interested and to take me off the list. Each time they say it will take a few days. Grrrr.

...

- When you pull into the Bowmans "expectant mother" parking slot, you get weird looks. It is as if people are waiting to verify that you are actually pregnant. (and as a side note: I used this parking space when I was only a couple weeks pregnant... it is my right :)

...

- Frozen Grapes...the best thing ever invented.

...

I am glad I get a girls night out every once in a while. Having a friend join me on the prego train is even better. Our girls will be good friends.

Judd and Kaden at Rand's B-day party eating cake.

Riding in Judd's truck. Kaden was laughing his head off when we went over bumps.

Kaden still has a thing with clocks. He played with this one for 45 minutes.

This is the face he makes if he tries something new and it tastes weird.

We went on a family drive. Judd wanted Kaden to see the animals, which made me very nervous. Though there is a fence, it is made of plastic things.

This one was the one that made me nervous. The horns were quite big, and he didn't seem to like us that close to the fence.

Kaden and I were late for work yesterday. Both of us wanted to just stay in bed.

AND... I did make that blanket, seems I'm getting to be a pro at sewing things in a square.

Love

2010-02-15T07:28:00.001-08:00

Love Day :)

I was super excited to make cookies, not remembering that sugar cookies take FOREVER to make. I had in my head the thought that Kaden would enjoy this activity, however he had more fun playing with the fish cookie cutters, and took a nap while I decorated.

...

Side Note: I've eaten enough cookies to last me the rest of my life.

...

We decided to go light on Valentines this year. But I still got flowers which I loved.

We ended up going to dinner Saturday for our "Date night/Valentines".

I think eating out is my favorite thing at this point in my life (as food = good).

...

Here's me...

...

in case you are wondering..

...

YES I'm still pregnant (and everyone acts so surprised by that fact each Sunday when I walk into church, which may or may not make me want to leave).

...

How many days left you ask? well... not that I'm counting, but 38 days till induction.

...

I'm still having constant contractions which freaks out my doctor and makes it so I have to go in and be hooked up to a contraction monitor weekly... just to find out that yes I'm still having contractions. Ugh

...

Also, my fun pregnancy activity Kidney Stones

decided to come back this past week... another Ugh.

...

But for the most part I think I'm just anxious. I'm ready to be back to my normal body. I get jealous seeing people jogging in the morning. And though I have never loved sleeping on my stomach... the fact that I am prohibited from doing so makes me want to.

......

AND... I've seen some really retarded movies lately (totally random, but it is something I'm sick of). We rented The Invention of Lying. Don't waste your time... it's terrible.

We turned it off shortly after we discovered that it had no point, and our Mansion in Heaven just shrunk by 2 rooms just for watching part of it.

...

While I had in my head that Kaden would be helping me with cookies,

I also thought Judd would love this activity too... however

he was busy practicing hunting.

I guess this man activity could be similar to women trying on

swimsuits in the middle of winter just to make sure it still fits.

He did end up decorating one very manly cookie.

And for posterity sake we did have to get another pic with the belly.

Kaden loved his Valentines from Grandma and Grandpa.

I was thankful to have a new collection of DVD's so

I can finally get Barney's 123's out of my head.

(though Elmo isn't much better)

Though this day is a bit cheesy, I do think it is good to take time and

tell your family that you love them.

...

Now I must explain that I came from a "non-verbal love communication" family.

So I never really spewed the words "I love you" much until I was married.

...

Judd came from a very verbal love communication family.

He has slowly been converting me.

(though I still kinda freak out if someone tries to give me a hug)

...

So here goes my really cheesy I love you day moment.

...

I love my husband because he's my best friend. He puts up with me (which means more than it seems), and he is my daily reality check when I come to him with crazy ideas. I love that I can depend on him to be the stable one in the relationship. He is a fabulous father and a great provider for our family.

...

I love my son because he's taught me more than anyone else could, ever. He makes me laugh every day and he makes me want 20 more like him.

...

I love my mom because I sometimes forget that I am lucky to have a mom that is always helping me. She watches my son more than most Grandmas ever would and still has fun with him. She also put up with me during my terrible teenage years (which I'm sure she's still recovering from).

...

I love my dad because I've always looked up to him. He's like Judd being stable and reliable. I also like working with him because we get to go to lunch together often.

...

I love Jenny because she's a hard worker. I'm proud of her for her hard work in school, and the kind person she is to everyone around her. And I secretly can't wait for her to get married so my kids can have cousins.

...

I love Madison because she's kind to my baby. She plays with him all the time and she's one of his favorite people.

...

Ok that's about it for today :)

From grumpy to thankful...

2010-02-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

It has been the longest week of my life.

For no particular reason, except that the clock doesn't seem to keep moving.

...

And so as I sat here at work this morning I decided, I'm taking tomorrow off.

I text Judd and told him I'm not working tomorrow.

He called me right away and asked if I was ok, I said yes.

...

When he asked why I'm taking tomorrow off I simply said that I'm pregnant and grumpy.

...

I have a lot of things to get done before this baby decides to come out.

I want to get the nursery started (and finished) at some point before she turns 10,

and I just can't believe there is another work day in the week.

...

So tomorrow is my free day.

While I was being grumpy I came across a blog.

And realized I have much to be thankful for.

.........

...

With the chaos of life I think it is easy to let the days pass, and

sometimes being a mom it is easy to caught up in the unimportant.

...

But this blog was a good reminder to every mom to be careful

...

careful to not take these days for granted

careful to watch you little babies close

careful to rely on prayer in trials

...

Please read this blog from Feb 1,2010 to the post for today, it won't take very long.

It is a great reminder, one that I needed :)

...

CLICK HERE

...

p.s. grab a tissue before you start, don't say I didn't warn you :)

...

P.S.S... It really is good and uplifting, but you must read the entries up till today to see the full good side of it :)

It should be illegal :)

2010-01-29T11:53:00.000-08:00

I think it should be illegal to push back a due date.

...

Moving it up would be fine, but pushing it back is just cruel.

...

I got to see my baby on Tuesday (usually they don't do any more ultrasounds after 20 weeks but he wanted to check on things). It was awesome, and too real all at the same time. There really is a baby in there.

...

He said she's growing just fine, but the due date is now April 1, (go figure). So my induction will be on March 25, the day after Kaden's birthday. Unless I can convince him to do it earlier. Before this nice "push back" I could have scheduled anytime around the 17th.

...

My mom and I think that doctors should tell women that their due dates are 2 weeks further than they really are, so that when they are in the 3rd trimester, and ready to be done, they can surprise them with a 2 week bump up :)

A thought on Costco

2010-01-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

I used to be a fan.

Who doesn't love a 50 lb. bucket of peanut butter?

And I am currently in love with a particular type of Teriyaki Rice Bowl they carry. However, I am completely convinced that they make millions off of people thinking they are saving money.

...

I brought this to debate last week at work. We all tried to list what we typically buy there, while we all concluded that the prices at various other places are much better, and it comes in a more user friendly portion.

...

But even after I stated my claim that Costco only saves you money on a handful of items, I still get sucked in. I needed a pineapple desperately last Thursday. I was sick, and the only thing I could think would heal me was a full pineapple. Mind you it did cost me $6 but it was great. Now I've also had this addiction to Cuties (the little orange things), which are typically $4 at Walmart. (I hate Walmart but they make lots of money off me). The price at Costco for the same thing? $6.36.

...

There was a time that I would buy turkey and ham the size of a small vehicle to be sliced by the Costco deli. And also bread and baegels because they seemed so cheap for how much you got. In reality I ended up throwing away most of the bread because it actually WAS a lot... too much to be eaten before it turned blue and fuzzy.

...

And that is my rant for today. Random, yes... but oh so important :)

Some People

2010-01-21T12:11:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was not my best day. As happy as I was to get to go to work (and not be stuck in bed) I soon realized that being at work caused my contractions to be extreme. I couldn't keep anything down except water because I'd get extremely sick any time I had a big contraction.

...

I stayed home again today to see how things went. I'm really not wanting to go back to the hospital to be monitored, and I'm hoping I can go to work tomorrow. If I'm going to be having contractions either way I feel I might as well be getting paid :)

As long as I can keep her cooking for another 5 weeks I'll feel a lot better if she decides to come early. The doctor said that after 35 weeks they won't stop labor.

...

After reading Kira's Blog, I realized that there are people that have great intentions, and then there are people that have good intentions and act on them. I have to say that I usually am not the best at doing things for people when I don't know how to help, or if they want help. And I'm such a stubborn and independent person that I hate to ask for help and I hate even more to accept it.

...

BUT... I've decided that those that do something are very much appreciated. Even by people like me.

...

While sitting at home today with my husband out of town... my sister in law text me that she was bringing me lunch. I told her she didn't have to, but she did anyway. With that she brought a whole bunch of movies to keep me entertained. I hadn't realized how much I'd appreciate such a nice gesture.

...

A few days ago my in-laws rang out doorbell and dropped us off our favorite

Chinese food for dinner, so we didn't have to worry about it while I was on bed rest.

...

I need to be more like these people. Someone that does something for others even if they say they don't want it, or need it, when I know that they probably do.

Bedrest

2010-01-18T11:07:00.000-08:00

You know when you are sitting at work thinking "If I could just go home and take a nap right now it would be great!"... or when you just want everyone to give you just a few more hours sleep in the morning?

Whenever I heard of someone going on bedrest I felt a tad bit jealous only for the fact that they were now forced to take it easy and get sleep. Sleep is one of my favorite things ever.

But... I guess it's different once it happens.

I've gotten contractions on and off during this pregnancy but they usually have gone away. Thursday they started and continued through the night. I debated if I should go in all morning Friday... and after a few baths and laying down (which I had been doing since the day before), I decided I should go in. I felt dumb because I thought they'd just send me home thinking I'm one of "those mom's" who think every little thing is something to worry about. I timed the contractions whenever I got one that was more uncomfortable and they were coming every 8-11 minutes.

Now let me just say that during this time I was texting/calling Judd to let him know what was going on. I told him that I was going to labor and delivery to be monitored...no big deal. I took a book to read and figured I'd only be there an hour max.

...

Once they did get me hooked up and ready the nurse said that I was having regular contractions every 30 seconds to 1 minute and they were lasting about 30 seconds. (which pretty much means I was having contractions one after another). I asked her if this was normal for how far along I am and she said no. So she went to call my doctor to see what he wanted them to do.

...

They gave me shots to try and stop the contractions, which burned and made me feel like I was having a heart attack (this they said was normal). But it didn't do anything to stop the contractions. I wasn't dilated so my doc said I could go home if I stayed on bedrest until Monday (today) and didn't do anything. Then they gave me a few more meds... and had this 90 year old lady come to wheel me outside. I was quite scared for her to be honest because I think she had a bad hip and I know I could have scooted on my butt faster than our pace was to the front of the hospital. Meanwhile I was talking to Judd giving him the rundown of the situation.

...

So later that night after talking to Judd, we were almost both asleep when I said " I heard someone have a baby in the room next to me today." To which he replied "You were in the hospital?" Um.. yes, that is where labor and delivery is. And that is where they wheel you out in a wheelchair by 90 year old ladies. He felt bad because he thought I didn't tell him I was at the hospital, though I swear through all our conversations all day I think I made it quite clear. I guess he thought I was just sitting at my doctors office or something.

...

And there it was. Bedrest isn't a word my 1 year old knows yet, so he couldn't figure out why his mom didn't want to play anything.

....

Then my visiting teacher threatened to come do my laundry... which made me panic and finish the final cleaning of my house in case she did actually stop by.

...

Since then I've watched more Barney than I have this whole year. Did you know that the newer Barney movies have a different voice for Barney than the old traditional ones? Rip off.

...

Doc appt today I'm still contracting so he gave me a steriod shot for her lungs to develop in case she does decide to come early. I have to go back in tomorrow. Since I'm still not dilated he's putting me on "modified" bedrest. Meaning I can go to work if I don't move... and I have to come home and lay down. Pretty boring.

...

BUT we did get my Mac setup right by my bed so now I can surf the internet and play video games that are otherwise a waste of time. So I'll just sit here and do nothing. I've been told to enjoy it while I can... which I am trying to do. But I do wish I had a Diet Mt. Dew right now. :0)

...

Here's the 30 week pics from this morning.

Kaden's new cars

2010-01-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

Ok so they were for Christmas... but we thought he got a little spoiled so we didn't let him play with all his toys. We are slowly bringing them out and he jumps up and down like it's Christmas all over again.

I took a break

2009-12-21T07:40:00.001-08:00

I was really quite good at updating my blog, but I needed a break. I had too much to do with work/photos/home/pregnancy etc. In fact... my husband brought home a live christmas tree and it never got decorated (just to show how behind I still am). But here are a few things that were accomplished since I was good at blogging.

Thanksgiving... we always go to both families.

Black Friday I was up for 27 hours strait. We hit Fashonplace Mall, Park City, Kohls, Target, Home Depot, Walmart, Layton mall. It nearly killed me since I only got about 3 hours of sleep after that, but I found some good deals and had fun with the shopping spree. It's nice to have close cousins to do stuff like this with.

It took me a little while to get into shopping for little baby girl stuff. It's foreign to me. But I learned quickly enough and I think this is going to be the most fun thing ever. I've actually gone a bit overboard since then... making bows, knitting hats, making little tiny bracelets etc... Who knew the world of pink could be so fun?

Judd planned our family night surprise to go see the lights in Brigham City.

I spent time supporting my husband by saying "good job" while he practices his bow shooting in our basement. He's enjoying the last weeks of having a nice indoor range before the construction starts. He was so nice to give up his "man space" for the sake of my hobby on sterioids (photography).

I was tagged by Mckell a while ago (during my break) to list a couple Christmas traditions. To be honest we have a lot. I like them. I think when I was growing up I complained about most of them because they seemed dumb... but now that I'm older they are the things I remember. Christmas isn't the same without an Amy Grant Xmas CD playing in the house. Or Alabama Christmas. We always have a family party the saturday before christmas, and Kaden did so good until we put him on santa's lap.

Other traditions include a Xmas eve party at my parents and one at Judd's parents. A big gift opening before dawn at my parents followed by the gift opening at the Golds. Then breakfast at Grandma V's, lunch with the Gold family, and dinner at the Vandermeydens. It is a busy day but I love it. :)

Judd and I got most of our Christmas shopping done in one day (last Friday). I ended up giving Kaden all his Black Friday clothes to wear before christmas, because he wouldn't care to open clothes anyway.

Pregnancy is FLYING by... holy cow I can't believe it. Though I still find I can complain about being huge it really hasn't hit a bad point yet. I'm still quite comfortable, and sleeping just fine. Only 92 days left to enjoy sleep!

Taylie's new cousin was born about 2 weeks ago, I had fun with her photo session. Hopefully they can become good friends since they'll only be 3 1/2 months apart.

And there's the update so far... Gotta get back to work :)

My Fake Calling.....

2009-12-17T09:26:00.001-08:00

I have a fake calling.

It didn't start out as a fake calling though. I was put into the Relief Society Enrichment Planning committee before I got my primary calling.

Then when I got called into the bishops office for the primary calling they told me that they would release me from my Enrichment calling.

HOWEVER... I don't think they ever released me.

I wasn't there the following sacrament to know if they actually did the whole releasing thing.

We had planned an activity that was for the following week and I was assigned things to do. So I figured I would do them and that would be the end of it.

However it wasn't.

The girl in charge called me for the next meeting.

Since I didn't know if they actually released me, I went to the meeting and got assignments etc etc.. and this has continued for months now.

I know I should have just said something at the beginning... because now I'd look terribly stupid if I said "Hey I thought I was released from this a few months ago."

Judd answered the door on Tuesday to receive the potatoes I needed to bake for my fake calling.

He made a good point by saying that if I was already released then the bishop would never release me again (not knowing that I'm still baking things for the fake calling) and this calling could last the rest of my life.

AAAhhh... I swear I am upfront about everything except for stupid things like this.

I think Catholics make it a whole lot easier :)

New Website!

2009-12-10T11:31:00.000-08:00

I've been busy... like everyone else... but check out my new website! It's still in beta mode, but it's a start :)

www.heidigoldphotography.com

Typical Night At Our House

2009-11-13T05:35:00.000-08:00

The night complete with a new bear hat for winter

FYI

2009-11-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

Kidney Stones are NOT fun :0(

I don't know why I get them every time I'm pregnant.

I guess it's good practice for labor pain!

Sewing

2009-11-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

When I was about 8 years old this lady in my neighborhood asked me if I wanted to take sewing lessons from her. I've always thought she was kinda strange, but this new activity sounded fun. I learned a lot of things I soon forgot. Though I'm sure my Levi skirt that I wore 2 times was worth the money spent on the lessons... I wish I had retained the knowledge.

Later I remember taking a sewing course with my Grandma Tibby at Viewmont High. Again, I was either too young our had A.D.D and didn't retain much of what I learned. (plus my grandma was a pro sewer so I'm sure she did most of the hard stuff).

And thus my sewing career ended soon after it had begun.

Since then I've only touched the sewing machine a few times for various little projects. Nothing I would call worthy of much attention. The burp cloths and little blankets I've made aren't much to talk about, and I won't even use them in public.

Each time I borrowed the sewing machine I had to call my mom because I couldn't get the needle to pick up the bottom thread. Now even though I always saw sewing as a "pioneer-ish" activity, I wish I had talent in this area. There have been many times that I needed my shirts/pants altered and had no clue how to do it. So I decided it's time to learn. Though it somewhat scares me to death.

Another area I lack in, is getting rid of things. I have become SO much better than I was, but still. I had Judd run downstairs last night and get the big bag of fabric squares so I could make a baby blanket. (very random thing to do at 6pm... but whatever). I had cut out a lot of squares of my old clothes a year or two ago. I was going to make a blanket... but then I had a boy baby. And much of my clothes resembled girl colors.

So to help aid in my sewing skills, and making use of stuff I decided not to throw away, here is the front part of the blanket. To be finished after I buy something for the back and edges. It really is a lot bigger than it looks.

(very simple first project, don't make fun)

Now for project #2... are you ready? I am going to try and make Miss Taylie's (baby #2) crib set, and all bedroom decorations.

Seems like a big step from a square blanket, but I really want it to be unique, and I'm not seeing anything out there that I like.

I'm sure I'll have to call Judd's mom a million times (because she knows everything about sewing), but I think it would be a good project.

The End :)

Miss Taylie Marie and other Friday thoughts :0)

2009-11-06T06:07:00.000-08:00

Although I am pregnant, I know that this fact matters very little to anyone but me and a few close people. I think during the first pregnancy I thought the whole world would find every little pregnancy experience as fascinating as I did. Now that I am oh so much more mature, I know that you may or may not get sick of the pregnancy mentioning. So if you are, you can skip this post :)

My thoughts today are somewhat about the differences in my two pregnancies. This time around I learned that although it is cool in many of the same ways as the first time...it is also much different. Mainly in the "been there done that" sense. The same is true for the way Judd is.

For example: The other day Miss Taylie was kicking me to death in the early morning. Judd was moving around a lot so I figured he wasn't asleep. I grabbed his hand and put it on my stomach to have him feel his child kicking. After a minute I said "did you feel that one?", and the response I received was " I am sleeping."

Maybe early morning isn't the best time to ask for my husband to get excited about a moving baby, but had it been baby #1, he would have thought it was cool (morning or not).

After the ultrasound appointment I was dropping Judd off and said "Hey, aren't you so excited we're having a girl? The good thing is they don't pee on you like boys do." And to that he said "yes I am excited, but I think her peeing on us is the least of our worries."

Humm, yes he is right. In a comment I got on the last post I think Kira said it best when she said "you have a few good years until they (girls) turn evil!" And that sparks enough thought for a whole different post.

So there are changes between the first and second child, and they start from the beginning. But they aren't all bad. I feel more prepared this time, and though my hormones get the best of me every once in a while, I feel very happy about being pregnant. I also feel like it will be a little more smooth once she arrives (hopefully) since I have a lot less to learn the second time. (as far as actually keeping the baby fed/clean and alive).

Another thing I decided to do a bit different is actually documenting how my stomach grows this time. Last time I think I only got a few pregnancy pictures, because lets face it, you don't feel like movie star material. So though it is so "Pregnancy Board-ish" to post pictures, I will just so you all feel fabulous about yourselves :)

Week 20

Another thing that is oh so true... you start showing earlier with the second one. Not that this is bad. I think I cared more the first time than I do now. Since Taylie is due on Kaden's birthday, it is easy to compare the two pregnancies. I started showing in December with Kaden, and October this time.

In church last Sunday a man got up during Testimony meeting and talked about how good a job his wife did with their 8 children. Though I think I only want 4... I have to keep telling Judd we should have 6 so that he will feel that we compromised at 4 :0)

So as the man spoke Kaden and I were drawing pictures. I started to draw our future family of 10. As soon as Judd saw this he surely put an end to it. Our last stick figure child has no legs, and yes he drew a shark on top of our family. (We have different opinions of how big our family should be) I wanted a bigger family with all my kids close together (because my family was smaller, with my sisters being 5, and 15 years younger than me). I ask him sometimes what it would take for him to agree to having 4+ kids... his reply "start donating plasma."

So with nothing more to think about this morning, I have these random thoughts in my head. So I will leave you with that and a part of the ultrasound (mostly for Grandma Tibby on a mission) so that you too can feel suffocated by everything pregnancy! :0)

PS... Katie wanted to make it known that Kaden now loves her. (or at least doesn't scream anymore when she tries to hold him)

Just a feeling :0)

2009-11-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

I was driving to work one day this June. I was only working half day and so the traffic on the ride in was much heavier than my normal 5am commute. It was sunny. I remember lots of things were on my mind, specifically my family. Judd and I had talked about adding another child to the mix, and I was thinking about the pro's and con's of this.

I thought of how unexpected it was when we found out I was pregnant with Kaden, and how my feelings of being pregnant again had changed dramatically. I was looking forward to having this experience again, but this time with a better attitude.

I remember trying to recall how I felt back then. After the reality of being pregnant sank in, another feeling started to emerge. I wanted a boy. Mostly because having a girl scared me more than anything. I didn't want a child like me, and so by default I would take a boy happily. As the weeks went by, I knew I was having a boy even without an ultrasound. Then the 20 week doctor appointment just confirmed what I already knew.

So as I drove to work I thought about having a new baby. All of a sudden I got a feeling that I can't quite explain. I had the feeling that my next baby would be a girl. This thought was really weird for me, mostly because it came out of nowhere. It stayed with me for a few days. At first I didn't like it. I still wasn't ready to raise a girl, and I just loved the experience of a little boy.

Then, on this day during this Sportsman's Warehouse adventure I talked to Judd about the feelings I had. Mainly I just wanted him to be prepared. So as we were walking I said "I think our next baby is going to be a girl." To which he said "I thought we weren't pregnant yet?" And then I told him about what I'd been feeling while trying not to sound crazy. He knew how much I didn't want a girl the first pregnancy so I think it surprised him that I was a little happy when I talked about it.

When I did get pregnant (about a month later), right from the start the baby felt like a girl. Almost the same way Kaden felt like a boy. As much as I didn't want a girl during my first pregnancy, it just seemed matter of fact even before it happened.

I had ordered a Gender Test when I was 5 weeks pregnant, just to be sure it was a girl. Then I returned the test a few weeks later because I felt I already knew. :0)

It was good :)

2009-11-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

Our Halloween was a good one! Kaden got all his energy out walking half a block to the two houses we trick-or-treated to. The video is him showing how an elephant wiggles his ears.

Now we're off to the doc appt that may or may not tell us if we're having another boy, or a girl. (since husband still decided he didn't want to wait till delivery to find out)

Halloween Dinner!

2009-10-30T07:02:00.000-07:00

Random

2009-10-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

I forgot to post Kaden with the ducks, and no he did not get sick after :)

Jamie and I had a much needed Girls Night Out. I had a mad craving for french fries and so we headed out to Red Robin (bottomless fries), then made way to the mall. We of course went to all the baby stores even though I don't know what type of kid I'm having. I have been trying and trying to convince Judd to not find out if we're having a boy or girl but he just won't do it. He said that he could find out and I could be surprised (but that's just stupid).

So I have somewhat agreed to ask our doctor at the visit next week. But I told him that if it's a girl I get to go shopping. Had he let me wait, he would have saved us some $$$!

Jamie ended up buying something she saw that was cute for when she decides to join me on the baby train!

Tonight we are having our annual Halloween Pumpkin Dinner. I took the liberty of making the main dish and it is going to be fabulous (hopefully), I'm excited to try this recipe.

The weeks are flying by, I can't even believe I'm 1/2 way cooked with this baby. So weird!

And if anyone comes across any antique chairs/couch for sale please let me know. I'm trying to find one to use for my family sessions :)

To go with the randomness I was curious to see if anyone has been able to get themselves an H1N1 shot? I was somewhat reconsidering giving one to Kaden, until my friend's 8month old got it and it was SO sad. So I'm on the lookout (with the rest of the world) for when we can find one. My doctor said he has reserved enough for all his prego clients but he's not sure if he'll get the full amount he requested. Hopefully they give them out in alphabetical order :)

And just to show how scrambled my brain is, I did this whole post on my photography blog instead of my family blog. Thank goodness for HTML, I just had to copy and paste. Had it required more effort than that I would have decided to move on to more productive things on my list :)

Busy, busy, busy

2009-10-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

Humm... I wish I could take a nap right now!

Been busy with life, like most of you.

Busy editing pictures
busy with church stuff
busy chasing my child around the house
busy growing child #2
busy thinking about how good Chili's chips and salsa would be for lunch
busy with work (thankfully!)

So busy that I forgot to wish my Grandma a Happy Birthday, even though I remembered in the morning, then got caught up in everything else. So Happy Late Birthday Grandma Tibby! ... from me, Kaden and Judd :)

Here's a preview for Tiffany. There are millions more, just wait, they will be done tonight :)

And I'm starting something new, for a little while at least. A referral program. Basically if you refer anyone to me for pictures you get $25 once their session is done.

This short poem goes out to a famous reader out there:

Livin life is so much fun

until you start to see

something growing on your bum

the size of a kiwi

inside joke for those who are included :0)

Cheap bread is for the birds

2009-10-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

I read part of a book, where it talks about a guy who trained for a triathlon. He did everything he could to do his best, even down to straining his cottage cheese with water to eat as healthy as he could. He said that even though that little extra fat may or may not make a difference in his race, he wanted to feel that he did everything in his power to do the best he could.

Judd had a friend who lost his job last week. He has 3 kids, his wife doesn’t work. This cute family came over to bring us home-made bread the other night. After they left I decided that if we were ever in a similar situation I would feel guilty. Guilty for spending money on things I don’t need. Guilty for going out to lunch or dinner so often. Guilty for not appreciating the money that I have to spend on things I can’t even remember I bought the next week. And so I decided to do better.

Lately Judd and I have been talking about doing a little better. A little better at saving, a little better at being thankful for what we have, and a little better at helping where we could. While I know we do pretty well at saving (my husband is allergic to spending money)…(that is said with much love because I wish I was as good at it as he is)… as we were talking I just knew that there are many things I can give up, or do less to help us be better at saving.

One of the topics was lunch. Though I do bring a lunch from home most days, I probably don’t need to go out to eat. While discussing this with my friend at work she said that she brings a Ramen Noodle cup each day for lunch. A whole $0.25. She is in the process of building her dream house and is also trying to save money where she can. I decided to join her in this. Judd thought that was a bit much… but I want to feel that I’m doing my part.

Another decision I made was to save a little more on groceries. While grocery shopping I saw the many choices of bread. We usually get this wonderful wheat bread that melts in your mouth. I didn’t think that the quality would be too different if I decided to go to the cheaper bread.
I was wrong.
Way way wrong.

I think that the consistency of the cheap bread could be achieved by mixing my kitchen dish scrubber with cotton balls. It was like you were eating a dry piece of sponge.
If you haven’t been able to follow my thought process during this post, I can connect the dots for you. This is usually needed when I am pregnant. I can’t seem to align everything without providing an ending that gives the direction of my thoughts.
So here you go:

I am trying to do my best (like the triathlon guy) to feel that I have done everything I can to provide for my family now, and in the future. So that if I have a similar experience of job loss (like the neighbor), I won’t feel guilty for doing nothing. And though there are good ways to cut back (by bringing lunch, or not going out to eat as much) the real point of this post is to NEVER cut back on bread quality. It just isn’t worth it. Spend the extra money and enjoy some good wheat bread! :)

After all... cheap bread is for the birds :0)
We took Kaden to feed the birds, ducks, and geese with this sponge bread.
If Kaden gets the Bird Flu, you'll all know why. (video)

I will post the video when I get home, it isn't working from this computer.

Kaden didn't like that we were feeding all the animals the bread.

He had to have some.

Haircut

2009-10-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

I took Kaden to get his hair cut yesterday.

When I told my dad I was going, he said "which hair are you going to cut?"
ha ha
It is funny, since he is practically bald. But I am not a fan of the baby mullet.
He did really well, since he had his mini vanilla wafers to snack on.
It looks great, even if you need a magnifying glass to see it :)

For some reason, Kaden is scared of Katie. Pretty much has

been since he was born. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.

I ate Jello for breakfast today.

At 7am, it was me and this bowl.

I think the weird looks from my co-workers were because

they were secretly jealous.

My list

2009-10-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

I used to have a list.

I think most people do.

The list of things your parents did wrong, or should have done right, or could have done better.

My list was quite long.

I could recite it in chronological order at any given point.

And then I too became a parent.
And somehow the things on the list started to disappear.

There is something that happens when you bring a baby home.

It makes you humble, scared, and dependent on those parents you thought didn’t do things right to give you advice on things you never thought you’d have to ask.

You are now in charge of a person.

And suddenly your parent’s aren’t so bad.

Maybe they did try a bit harder than you realized.

And maybe being a parent isn’t as easy as you thought.

One by one the list gets shorter,

until you realize that maybe there are more things on the list your child could create,

then what is on theirs.

Right now my little person thinks I’m great.
I’m the person who gets him cookies, and turns on Barney, and takes him on walks.
Judd is moving up on the list, and may soon be my biggest competition.
Kaden will run to him when he gets off work, and follow him around till bedtime.

While I am enjoying this, in my mind I know it is only time before he starts to write his own list.
One day he will realize that I’m not perfect,
that I make mistakes,
and maybe the prerequisites to become his mother weren’t as strict as they should have been.

This scares me, and makes me sad, and makes me want him to stay little forever.
He won’t realize just how much I love him, or how I really did try my best,

until he brings a little person home.

Some people call it revenge; others call it karma when they see their children have children…
but whatever it is,
it will make you more humble than anything else. :)

WIGS

2009-10-06T08:01:00.000-07:00

I came into work this morning after waking up way too early,

and getting my tired baby off to his grandma's while thinking

"I wish I could get ready in 15 minutes

like every male on the planet".

So I did a little research via Google

on how much a Wig would be.

My friends and I have always joked about getting wigs.

I'm sure many people wear them that we aren't even aware of.

Seriously, how nice would it be if we could wake up

and look like Miss Jessica in 2 minutes?

I have to say,

I'm a bit tempted.

If you see me with long flowing blonde hair,

you just might have to wonder.

Then I read Mckell's blog and totally had a good laugh.

Seems as though she has come across the Mom Club curse.

Though I don't find it hard to get out of pajama pants (mainly because work would fire me) , I do suffer from the

"hair in a pony tail 75% of the week". Thus my reason for looking up wigs.

I remember seeing many moms in the famous "sweat pants and tennis shoes",

and I promised myself I'd NEVER fall into that trap.

But I have, in other ways it seems.

Nice to see someone else has realized that motherhood is full of so many

surprises! :0)

Just a bit Lazy

2009-10-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

We were lazy.

All weekend.

We did accomplish some things, but being lazy is an accomplishment in my book.

It was nice to spend time with my family.

I feel like I'm getting old. Mostly because I'm doing things my parents did when I was young.

~I was excited to clean my house (weird).

~I was excited to watch conference as a family.

~Kaden played with a drier sheet.

~I enjoyed a date lunch with just Judd and I.

~Judd fixed our running stroller and we went on a nice 4 mile family walk,

with Kaden bundled in blankets, until it was dark out.

~On our walk we went by a house that had a girl playing the piano in the front room,

I told Judd I wanted a piano for our kids.

We discussed whether or not we should make our kids take piano.

We agreed yes.

I want a baby grand, someday ... in the future of course.

I feel old when we talk about things like this,

because I'm sure my parents did,

and I don't quite feel old enough to be like my parents :)

Is it ok..

2009-10-02T05:51:00.000-07:00

That I am SO excited for this weekend,

because I don't have to go to church?

Admit it,

everyone likes Conference for this reason

(among others of course). :0)

A Lightbulb Moment

2009-10-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when things aren’t personal, I find it hard to really understand the impact.
Other times I am aware that I just am not “getting it”, and it is frustrating because I feel like I’m waiting for myself to finally understand what is so obviously understood by everyone.

With this bad economy, I know that it is bad. Everyone/everything keeps saying how bad it is out there. I work in an industry that thrives on the news reports that come out about unemployment and the status of our country. However, I have sat here for months and months never really having any personal feeling towards it.

I was talking to Judd a couple weeks ago about how we should save money granite, and a few other things I wanted for the future. He said that we should probably put more in savings because of “the economy”. We also talked about a lady in church that got up and bore her testimony and talked about how she had $26 left to get her through the month, and how she felt blessed to have made it almost twice as far on her gas tank than normal. She was followed by a member of our bishopric that talked about having been unemployed for a few months now.

As we sat and discussed these things I told Judd what I had been feeling over the past few months. This “bad economy” doesn’t really feel real to me. I felt ashamed to even say it. But it had been bothering me. I felt like I was aware that I wasn’t “getting it”, and it made me frustrated. I felt like my life was somewhat the same as it always has been. Don’t think I don’t feel blessed by this, because I have. I just really wished I would somehow understand it more on a personal level.

When my mom was working, I knew she really just wanted to stay home. She said this every day. “If they got rid of my job, I could just stay home”. I think now she probably would take the job back, but when she got laid off I saw it as her getting what she really wanted. It didn’t create stress for me because I knew she liked being home.

We went to our work party recently and driving home we passed an RV campground. It was completely full.

Judd said “wow there’s a lot of people camping this week”.

I replied with the only thing that came to my mind “I bet it’s a lot of people camping out for softball/football/sports tournaments.” (Because having been on sports teams I knew that many took trailers to the competitions).

No other alternative explanation entered my mind. Until the next day watching the news. They did a piece on many families that no longer had homes and were living in those RV campgrounds. Many had a few children, who had nice big houses before someone in their family lost their job. Now they have no income and are living in an RV. It made me sad, it made me feel bad that I am so unaware of things that it never even crossed my mind passing the RV campground.

During these months I have tried to imagine what it would be like if we had to live on one paycheck. What would we give up? I started to slowly build up our food storage just in case. I really did try to make myself more aware of how others had to modify their living. But I knew I still didn’t get it.

Until Yesterday.

While our company has received awards this year as the 3rd Fastest Growing Company in Utah, there were some departments that had slowed down due to the economy. It was just a matter of time, but they could hold off no more. There just wasn’t enough work in those departments for the people that were there.

I had to watch as some close colleagues were told that we no longer had work for them. Some after many years of being at the company. One guy in particular I had spent time with his wife in Vegas. They had 3 kids. She didn’t work, and she is only 2 weeks behind me in pregnancy with their 4th child. He, the sole provider of their family, was now unemployed.

I don’t know what it was, but I felt like I finally understood what everyone has been talking about all this time. That you should be thankful for a job, it is a luxury that many don’t have right now.

Yesterday gave me a lot to think about, and be thankful for. I think I grew a higher appreciation for things I took advantage of before. I am thankful my husband and I have jobs, that we have a house that keeps us warm, cars to drive, and family that support us.

The thing about not understanding things is… it usually takes something like this to make you wake-up. I wish I could have gotten it before now.

Hopefully this Thanksgiving we all have many things we can be thankful for :)

An interview with Kaden

2009-09-30T06:49:00.000-07:00

Since my grandma is on a mission I thought she'd like to see what Kaden has been up to these days. He is speaking Russian in case you can't understand him. Judd and I are trying to learn the language so that we can understand everything he has to say. :0)

I wish he could stay this age forever, he does so many funny things.

Taking a walk

2009-09-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I just had the need to get out in the sun and enjoy it before it's gone. My running stroller has a flat, and so I had to take Kaden for a walk in my regular stroller. I wish I would have never bought a regular stroller. It feels like I'm pushing 90 lbs up a hill any time I take it out. Not to mention that I bought it because it was cute, but the cute thing is huge and takes much effort to put in my car.

Anyway... we went walking, not as far as I thought we would make it. Graham crackers and water held Kaden off for a while, until he needed to get out and run around.

The good thing about waking up at 4:30 (sometimes 5) to go to work, is that I get home and there is still part of the day left.

A few things

2009-09-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend...
We were able to leave more squash with friends/family... with a note:)

We got to dry apples, and eat more of them than I have my whole life.

We went to a BBQ with friends that I've needed to see for a while. Brooke Flint and Jamie Goff made Saturday night a great reunion. Hopefully this turns into a common occurrence.

Kaden found his love of Graham Crackers.

And eating toilet paper rolls...

And I got to sleep in till 10:30 on Saturday, and take a 4 hour nap on Sunday, who could ask for more?